Well what a year this has been... If you'd told me back in January that this year would end up somehow being an even crazier year than 2020 I probably wouldn't have believed you, yet here we are. To be honest I'm not even really sure where to begin with this, so instead let me tell you a story...
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| Celeste Chapter 3: "Celestial Resort" Complete Screen |
There once was a man named Mr Oshiro. He was relatively happy and successful and he was the manager of a hotel on Celeste Mountain known as the Celestial Resort. Buisiness was booming as the hotel was world renowned for its hospitality and its views of the snow capped peaks around it, but over time people stopped coming, either because they had seen all that there was to see, or just because they simply weren't willing to brave the long and arduous climb up any more. Whatever the reason, over the years the hotel fell into disrepair and eventually (though he didn't realise it as his ghost continues to welcome "guests") Oshiro passed away as well.
Fast forward several years, and a young woman called Madeline would eventually rediscover the Celestial Resort on her quest to reach the summit, however the hotel now is in a very different state. There are leaking pipes, towels and bedding all over the floor and boxes and books strewn everywhere. To make matters worse, Oshiro's ghost has become so overwhelmed by all the mess that his anxieties have manifested as physical "dust bunnies" which clutter up the place even more and make traversing it as a corporeal being nigh on impossible. Oshiro however is completely oblivious to this and insists that Madeline stay which she politely declines, though in an attempt to not end up forever stuck she offers to help him clean up. This ends up being a much simpler process than it initially appears, however as more and more things are put away, Oshiro becomes more and more agitated, as despite the fact she's helping him, he can't help but think she is a guest who is clearing up his mess that he wasn't able to clear up himself and as a result he ends up feeling worse and worse. Eventually, Oshiro becomes so agitated that he fills the entire hotel with "dust bunnies" and chases Madeline out across the roof, before coming to his senses and realising that she's just trying to help him, but that this is something he needs to deal with himself. Madeline continues up the mountain, and Oshiro, feeling somewhat numb, returns to the hotel, scattered and lost.
In many ways, I can relate to Mr Oshiro.
As I close the door on what has honestly been a pretty insane year, I can't help but feeling like despite everything, and all the positive things that have happened, I haven't really made any progress. More than that, rather than simply being back where I started, it seems like my life has actually gone backwards. That isn't to say that I haven't grown from the experiences of 2021, because I have, in very significant ways that should by no means be discounted, but rather, any sense of direction I once had seems to be accelerating away at an ever increasing rate in the expanding universe that is my life. In trying to grab hold of too many of those directions at once I have somehow managed to miss every single one, and in the process let things get out of control to a point where it is very difficult to see how I can reorient myself. I have never really been very good at letting go of things, and 2021 has been a year defined by letting go, probably more so than any other year of my life so far, and in particular finding my place as an "Extern" or ex-intern has been incredibly challenging, though I have been incredibly blessed to be able to continue to be a part of the community there in some way through the postgrads ministry, a community that though I have never actually been a postgrad has welcomed me with open arms.
I guess it's just been one of those years... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I was going to include a little reflection-y type thing here kinda like I did last year but it's taking a little too long to put words to so instead I leave you, as I often do these days, with the words of a song, which I hope will resonate with you as we move into all the coming year has for us.
Song of Ascent - Hillsong United: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZFkFZAabfw
Oh how high would I climb mountains
If the mountains were where you hide
Oh how far I'd scale the valleys
If you'd grace the other side
Oh how long have I chased rivers
From lowly seas to where they rise
Against the rush of grace descending
From the source of its supply
'Cause in the highlands and the heartace
You're neither more or less inclined
I would search and stop at nothing
You're just not that hard to find
I will praise you on the mountain
And I will praise you when the mountain's in my way
You're the summit where my feet are
So I will praise you in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You're the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same.
...
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent
...
From the gravest of all valleys
Come the pastures we call grace
A mighty river flowing upwards
From a deep but empty grave.
Happy New Year everybody!
(PS. The title for this post was inspired by the song "Scattered and Lost" which is track 8 on the Celeste OST and plays and evolves during your encounters with Oshiro in the game. If you're curious you can listen to it here, though it is hopefully in no way required to understand the story, which in turn is hopefully in no way required to understand the bit of this post I actually wrote about me...)
