Existential pie, that is all.
Monday 28 November 2016
Existential Pie
OK, so I don't even know how this happened, but I was talking to Taz, and things got a little wierd... Just so we're clear here, I'm sharing this chat log with permission:
Saturday 26 November 2016
The letter I never wrote...
What is this letter, and why did I never write it? You might ask...
If there's one thing about life I've learned so far, it's that nothing is ever easy. Growing up we all undergo change, whether it be a physical change - such as getting taller or older - or a non physical change, such as shifts in attitude. How we deal with these changes defines us, perhaps more than the changes themselves, and we encounter change every day, so what then has this got to do with a letter?
If anyone asked me, I would, I think, be able to quite easily pinpoint times in my life of particularly big change. Moving school in year 3, the transition from primary to secondary education, Soul Survivor 2012 (although maybe not outwardly), Sixth form and, you guessed it, University. This list might not necessarily be the same for everybody, but it does give a pretty good idea of what significant change can look like, and all of these things (Soul Survivor excepted) have one thing in common. Moving on.
Whenever we spend time in a place, we begin to build connections, both to the place itself and the people there. If we spend long enough somewhere, those connections can evolve into friendships, and bonds between people so strong they become a part of who we are. It is however something of a sad truth that often we don't realise how much these people mean to us until they are gone. We begin to take for granted what we have, and suddenly we have to move on, and we're just waving goodbye, having left so much unsaid, so much undone...
In a way, moving onto university, this letter was supposed to tie all that up, a kind of final goodbye in a way, so that if I never saw someone again, then at least I'd know I hadn't left any loose ends. I initially planned to do one of these for every person I was leaving behind, but as the title of this post suggests, that didn't happen, and I was instead in a situation where I had to rush writing the letters for just three people. Of those, only one actually received a letter, and he probably isn't even going to read this.
As for the other two, I guess some things are just too difficult to say sometimes... Ultimately I decided that a letter was just not necessary, as what I wanted to say was irrelevant, and I wanted to leave on good terms, but events in the past few weeks made me realise just how wrong I was keeping these things to myself. This stuff has been weighing on me ever since I left, and to be honest, I just couldn't deal with it... So I wrote the letter...
Well, one of them... I should probably clarify these are about vastly different things. Who knows if I'll ever write the other one really...
I drew this random picture, which I think quite nicely sums up what I'm trying to say, because I got sidetracked and to be honest I really don't know any more...
Most of you reading this will be able to instantly recognise Alpha and Omega, the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet, but what you might miss from looking at this picture initially is the Greek letter Delta, the symbol used to represent "change in." I suppose what I'm getting at here is that no matter who you are, or where you come from, there will always be beginnings, there will always be endings and, no matter what you may try and do to prevent it, there will always be change. Don't leave things unsaid, no matter how much you might want to or they might terrify you, because one day you may find that the person you needed to say them to isn't there any more...
"Things end, things begin. This is the way of the castle, this is the way of the world."
If there's one thing about life I've learned so far, it's that nothing is ever easy. Growing up we all undergo change, whether it be a physical change - such as getting taller or older - or a non physical change, such as shifts in attitude. How we deal with these changes defines us, perhaps more than the changes themselves, and we encounter change every day, so what then has this got to do with a letter?
If anyone asked me, I would, I think, be able to quite easily pinpoint times in my life of particularly big change. Moving school in year 3, the transition from primary to secondary education, Soul Survivor 2012 (although maybe not outwardly), Sixth form and, you guessed it, University. This list might not necessarily be the same for everybody, but it does give a pretty good idea of what significant change can look like, and all of these things (Soul Survivor excepted) have one thing in common. Moving on.
Whenever we spend time in a place, we begin to build connections, both to the place itself and the people there. If we spend long enough somewhere, those connections can evolve into friendships, and bonds between people so strong they become a part of who we are. It is however something of a sad truth that often we don't realise how much these people mean to us until they are gone. We begin to take for granted what we have, and suddenly we have to move on, and we're just waving goodbye, having left so much unsaid, so much undone...
In a way, moving onto university, this letter was supposed to tie all that up, a kind of final goodbye in a way, so that if I never saw someone again, then at least I'd know I hadn't left any loose ends. I initially planned to do one of these for every person I was leaving behind, but as the title of this post suggests, that didn't happen, and I was instead in a situation where I had to rush writing the letters for just three people. Of those, only one actually received a letter, and he probably isn't even going to read this.
As for the other two, I guess some things are just too difficult to say sometimes... Ultimately I decided that a letter was just not necessary, as what I wanted to say was irrelevant, and I wanted to leave on good terms, but events in the past few weeks made me realise just how wrong I was keeping these things to myself. This stuff has been weighing on me ever since I left, and to be honest, I just couldn't deal with it... So I wrote the letter...
Well, one of them... I should probably clarify these are about vastly different things. Who knows if I'll ever write the other one really...
I drew this random picture, which I think quite nicely sums up what I'm trying to say, because I got sidetracked and to be honest I really don't know any more...
"Things end, things begin. This is the way of the castle, this is the way of the world."
Tuesday 22 November 2016
Born again
OK, so I was going to do something more interesting today, but to be honest, I'm just too tired to even think properly right now. Most people reading this are probably already aware, but today marks the first anniversary of my baptism, and as such I felt it would be only right to blog about it. It wasn't the point I'd have said I became a Christian, but it was the point at which I was able to publicly make a commitment, and actually share what I believe with other people, and as such was a massive step on my faith journey. The past year has been, without a doubt, (and somewhat ironically) one of the most difficult years of my life, I've been in and out of depression, watched my closest friends fall out and others drift apart, all gradually becoming more and more isolated. I've retreated back inside myself, free from the bonds that were once on me, but still moulded in the shape they left me in. Perhaps the hardest thing I've done though was moving to university, leaving behind everything I have ever known and loved, and my closest friend. Even though I know it's where I'm meant to be, it's been really rough trying to settle. Sometimes we just don't know how much something means to us until we don't have it any more...
Anyway, I figured I'd share "The Exoskeleton" testimony from my baptism service, because many people reading this won't have seen it before, and I can't really think of a better way to mark the event right now, and maybe, just maybe, it's helpful to someone...
- The Exoskeleton - My testimony: November 22nd 2015 -
I have been going to church all my life, and was at the church at home for fifteen years, ever since we moved to there, but it wasn't until much more recently that I would say I truly began my journey. I used to come to church for one reason, and one reason only: Sunday School (you know, that thing they now call Sunday club now?). I must confess I had very little interest in the actual content of the sessions, I just went because it was a place where we did fun stuff and where I had friends. At one point I actually started refusing to go to church unless the group was on, so for a good period of time I missed all of the all age services. Upon moving up to the group now called Extreme, however, the focus switched somewhat away from the fun side to much more of the serious side, and it was then I began trying to work out exactly what I thought about God. Actually, I think the point I began this journey was in a P&R lesson in year 7, where we were learning about Thiests, Athiests and Agnostics, and the teacher asked us to stand where we thought we would put ourselves. It was at that moment my 11 year old self realised he had absolutely no idea, and resolved to do something about that situation, one way or another...
Two years later, youth homegroup happened.
Youth homegroup presented me with an opportunity I had so long desired, the ability to talk about faith openly with people in a safe environment, and it was through this I was first introduced to the thing that by far has been the biggest turning point of my life - Soul Survivor
Anyone who has had this conversation with me knows that I consider Soul Survivor 2012 to be BY FAR the best week of my life. If you haven't had this conversation with me, or if you have and need a comparison, it would be approximately equivalent to Mt. Everest, where the next best thing in my life was Wittenham clumps. There's nothing quite like it on the planet. It's an experience that in a single night completely changed everything I thought I knew, because things happened that week that I cannot now, and never will be able to explain, and it is what kick started the chain of events leading to this moment...
Skip forward another couple of years, to April 2014, and the situation I found myself in was completely different. Caught up in exam stress things began to go downhill, massive amounts of pressure, coursework deadlines and revision began to get to me, and while nothing changed externally I began to spend much more time deep in thought. In August 2014 I began recording these thoughts in the notes section of my iPod, which helped greatly, because it was almost like talking to another person, but without the other person.
Moving up into sixth form in September 2014 affected me a lot. Even ignoring the completely new attitude, increased workload and more quote on quote "Free time" than I had any idea what to do with a lot changed, despite the location, organisation and actual teachers largely remaining unchanged. It wasn't so much any of that as the fact that one of my good friends Will Annells left to do an apprenticeship, and with Will gone the friendship group I had once been a part of began to drift apart. The result of this was that I began spending a considerable amount of time on my own at school, and in an environment where connections matter this had a huge negative impact. This was not helped by the sudden massive jump in expectations of teachers, on top of the generally more challenging work being set, and combined with all the other things on my mind at the time (none of which I'm going to go into right now, because we'd be here all day) I began to be pushed towards a state that can only really be described as depression. Retreating inside my own head, trying to collect my thoughts.
Partly due to this, and partly because I thought it would be interesting, in April 2015, I began to write the story that is now called "The Exoskeleton". The idea was to post it on my Facebook page, and see what people thought about it, as well as provide a point of discussion for those interested as to what on earth it could possibly be. The answer to that question is actually rather simple. The Exoskeleton is a tale of the past seven years of my life. While nothing in it can necessarily be taken literally due to the fact I have used creative license, every post I made is based off something that actually happened. It is a story of how I put up barriers to protect myself, but then how those very barriers became my prison. The story ends on the 15th of August 2015, when I am finally able to overcome the barrier at Soul Survivor, but to understand that properly we have to break chronology and go back a bit...
The main problem was that the barriers I had put up were so strong they not only protected the stuff inside me, but made it so that it couldn't change. This made adjusting to my new situation nigh on impossible, since the barriers were quite literally immovable, and ultimately anything I tried to do to break them down ended up hurting me more than helping. I guess it would be comparable to being trapped in a giant impregnable bubble. I therefore needed help. I needed the key to the future. The only thing that could get me out.
Finding the key proved to be easy, as by the time I realised I needed it I'd already found it. Using it to open the door proved to be far more difficult, as it required actually stepping through what had once been an impenetrable wall. Stepping out in front of around 10,000 people to break through was no easy task, particularly since I had to go first, but the moment I did I knew I'd made the right decision. Standing there, in that position, the numbers were irrelevant. What mattered was I had finally found the courage to make a commitment publicly, in front of people I cared about, as well as complete strangers. I had finally escaped. I was free, and I was alive!
- Thank you. -
Anyway, I figured I'd share "The Exoskeleton" testimony from my baptism service, because many people reading this won't have seen it before, and I can't really think of a better way to mark the event right now, and maybe, just maybe, it's helpful to someone...
- The Exoskeleton - My testimony: November 22nd 2015 -
I have been going to church all my life, and was at the church at home for fifteen years, ever since we moved to there, but it wasn't until much more recently that I would say I truly began my journey. I used to come to church for one reason, and one reason only: Sunday School (you know, that thing they now call Sunday club now?). I must confess I had very little interest in the actual content of the sessions, I just went because it was a place where we did fun stuff and where I had friends. At one point I actually started refusing to go to church unless the group was on, so for a good period of time I missed all of the all age services. Upon moving up to the group now called Extreme, however, the focus switched somewhat away from the fun side to much more of the serious side, and it was then I began trying to work out exactly what I thought about God. Actually, I think the point I began this journey was in a P&R lesson in year 7, where we were learning about Thiests, Athiests and Agnostics, and the teacher asked us to stand where we thought we would put ourselves. It was at that moment my 11 year old self realised he had absolutely no idea, and resolved to do something about that situation, one way or another...
Two years later, youth homegroup happened.
Youth homegroup presented me with an opportunity I had so long desired, the ability to talk about faith openly with people in a safe environment, and it was through this I was first introduced to the thing that by far has been the biggest turning point of my life - Soul Survivor
Anyone who has had this conversation with me knows that I consider Soul Survivor 2012 to be BY FAR the best week of my life. If you haven't had this conversation with me, or if you have and need a comparison, it would be approximately equivalent to Mt. Everest, where the next best thing in my life was Wittenham clumps. There's nothing quite like it on the planet. It's an experience that in a single night completely changed everything I thought I knew, because things happened that week that I cannot now, and never will be able to explain, and it is what kick started the chain of events leading to this moment...
Skip forward another couple of years, to April 2014, and the situation I found myself in was completely different. Caught up in exam stress things began to go downhill, massive amounts of pressure, coursework deadlines and revision began to get to me, and while nothing changed externally I began to spend much more time deep in thought. In August 2014 I began recording these thoughts in the notes section of my iPod, which helped greatly, because it was almost like talking to another person, but without the other person.
Moving up into sixth form in September 2014 affected me a lot. Even ignoring the completely new attitude, increased workload and more quote on quote "Free time" than I had any idea what to do with a lot changed, despite the location, organisation and actual teachers largely remaining unchanged. It wasn't so much any of that as the fact that one of my good friends Will Annells left to do an apprenticeship, and with Will gone the friendship group I had once been a part of began to drift apart. The result of this was that I began spending a considerable amount of time on my own at school, and in an environment where connections matter this had a huge negative impact. This was not helped by the sudden massive jump in expectations of teachers, on top of the generally more challenging work being set, and combined with all the other things on my mind at the time (none of which I'm going to go into right now, because we'd be here all day) I began to be pushed towards a state that can only really be described as depression. Retreating inside my own head, trying to collect my thoughts.
Partly due to this, and partly because I thought it would be interesting, in April 2015, I began to write the story that is now called "The Exoskeleton". The idea was to post it on my Facebook page, and see what people thought about it, as well as provide a point of discussion for those interested as to what on earth it could possibly be. The answer to that question is actually rather simple. The Exoskeleton is a tale of the past seven years of my life. While nothing in it can necessarily be taken literally due to the fact I have used creative license, every post I made is based off something that actually happened. It is a story of how I put up barriers to protect myself, but then how those very barriers became my prison. The story ends on the 15th of August 2015, when I am finally able to overcome the barrier at Soul Survivor, but to understand that properly we have to break chronology and go back a bit...
The main problem was that the barriers I had put up were so strong they not only protected the stuff inside me, but made it so that it couldn't change. This made adjusting to my new situation nigh on impossible, since the barriers were quite literally immovable, and ultimately anything I tried to do to break them down ended up hurting me more than helping. I guess it would be comparable to being trapped in a giant impregnable bubble. I therefore needed help. I needed the key to the future. The only thing that could get me out.
Finding the key proved to be easy, as by the time I realised I needed it I'd already found it. Using it to open the door proved to be far more difficult, as it required actually stepping through what had once been an impenetrable wall. Stepping out in front of around 10,000 people to break through was no easy task, particularly since I had to go first, but the moment I did I knew I'd made the right decision. Standing there, in that position, the numbers were irrelevant. What mattered was I had finally found the courage to make a commitment publicly, in front of people I cared about, as well as complete strangers. I had finally escaped. I was free, and I was alive!
- Thank you. -
Sunday 20 November 2016
Belonging
This is one of my favourite pictures of Cardiff so far, taken from just by the students union it may not be obvious exactly why at first, but if you look closely, in the background you can just about see the tower building of University hall. I like it because it really puts things into perspective, what you see in between where I am and that tower building is literally my life. Where I am, where I wake up, where I sleep, where I eat, where I go to buy food, where I walk up the hill I'm forever complaining about. Everything in my life can be fitted into this one picture, and that's crazy. What you see here is my home, and yet, I still don't really feel like I belong here...
It got me thinking though, what is it really that makes us actually belong... anywhere?
Belonging is a weird concept, usually, and often wrongly, used synonymous with acceptance. It's really easy to think that to belong means that you fit in, and while this is often true and certainly can help it is by no means the only way for somebody to belong somewhere.
To me I guess, belonging is about finding somewhere you can connect with, but in particular people you can connect with, and for me Cardiff is not really that place. Not yet at least...
Don't get me wrong, I've met some amazing people here, and I've got some good friends. I'm even beginning to like the city a bit more now! But to be honest nothing has really happened. I don't go places because the people I've met either don't go or are busy all the time with other things, so I've spent most of my time stuck in my hall on my computer and as a result not really gotten to know anybody else outside of my flat (Alan and Paradeisa being the two main exceptions). I'm therefore effectively stuck in a strange city, alone with nobody to turn to. I'm not sure I'd call it being homesick - there are definitely things about home I miss, but (and don't take this the wrong way) on balance they're outweighed by things I don't miss - I needed to leave. It just kinda feels empty, like I've left a void open inside me I can't ever hope to fill...
Surely then, the solution is to go back home...? Well... here's where it gets complicated.
Going home isn't going to solve any of my problems. I've been home twice since I came here. Once on my second week because of a really bad case of fresher's flu, and once after EPMF 2016, because I thought it would be a good opportunity to go and see people, and get some proper food and sleep (good decision). Both those times though, I came to the same conclusion. I simply don't belong there any more.
Why? Well the main reason for this, I guess is that despite it still being the place I call home, there is really nothing left there for me. It feels like all my close friends have left, and going home loses all meaning if you don't have people to go home to. I've still got friends back home, (Hi Taz and members of Extreme! Please don't take this the wrong way) but these are people I don't see all that often, and usually only when around others, and the phrase "I feel loneliest in a crowd of people" pretty much sums that up. I'm an introvert, number of friends doesn't matter to me, closeness of friends is everything (and no offence meant to anybody now here from this, you're still definitely friends). Connections like this take years to build, and I've only really been in Cardiff on a timescale of weeks, so I suppose it's hardly surprising that things feel really difficult at the moment, but I guess I just have to deal with it.
So if I don't belong at home, and I don't belong here, then where do I belong...? To be honest, I really have no idea. Maybe I'm just destined to float away like a helium baloon that hasn't been tied down, or maybe I'll be blown around for a bit before finding somewhere to take root, but who knows. I think coming here was definitely still the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier...
I guess I'll end this post for today with a song, which I first heard 8 years ago now, but only recently understood the meaning of:
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
When this began, I had nothing to say, and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
I was confused and I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind.
Inside of me, but all the vacancy, the words revealed, is the only real thing that I've got left to feel.
Nothing to lose. Just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own.
I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong...
And I've got nothing to say, I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face.
I was confused, looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I, what do I have but negativity, 'cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
And I will break away, I'll find myself today...
I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong
Sunday 6 November 2016
Fireworks (and the big red reset button that didn't work)
Wow... What is this...? TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY?!?!?!
Well... not quite, technically it's after midnight, so I messed that one up, oh well (never mind it got to 3 am and I wasn't finished so I gave up and finished it later on on the 6th (well the 7th, since it was past midnight, again...) but this is written as if it were the 5th, so please treat it as such for my sake and yours...)
I've not done much today, I woke up at 1 in the afternoon and kinda sat in my room for a while, eating chocolate digestives. At some point (far too soon) it got dark, and I was left wondering where my day had gone. At about 7 oclock I realised I was kinda hungry, and because I'd run out of potato waffles I decided I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I ordered pizza, and really I've spent the entire day in my room.
As most of you are no doubt aware though, it's bonfire night. I'm not usually one to go out and watch fireworks, but tonight I guess you can say I made half an exception. One of the very few positives about living in University Hall is the fact that because its at the top of a hill you get amazing views of the city. On this particular night this meant that from my bedroom I was able to watch every firework display in Cardiff! All at once! This made for quite a spectacular evening in, even with the tree in the way. I had pizza, I had time to myself and I had whatever firework display I wanted to watch, all without having to leave my room! What more could I ask for? (aside from friends, a life, and the removal of THAT STUPID TREE... I'm rambling now ignore me...)
Unsurprisingly though, at least for anyone who knows me, this got me thinking. The thing at which my thoughts were directed? Fireworks, but specifically Katy Perry's song - Firework. (Go on judge me I'm past caring at this point..)
This song has a lot of memories associated with it, I'm not exactly sure why in some cases, but I guess it came from a time in my life when a lot of significant things happened, so it kinda got stuck in my head. If I were making a list of songs which held meaning to me beyond the song itself, this would definitely be up there at the top, only trailing behind Take That's "Shine" and possibly Lindsey Stirling's "Beyond the veil" (and if you don't know either of those songs, you really REALLY should go listen to them).
"Firework" was released in mid 2010, which on a timeline puts it somewhere near the end of my year 7 or the begining of year 8, and while at the time I appreciated the song for its melody and uplifting lyrics, it wasn't until year 9 that the song would come to have a special sort of significance. 2012 was a year I'm never likely to forget. If it wasn't the most eventful year of my life so far then it was certainly the most impactful. Even ignoring the olympics (which I didn't go to see but did still enjoy watching on TV). The events of 2012 were without question the most significant events in my life, but the thing that connects this song to that year in my mind was not one of these significant events, far from it. This song is connected to 2012 by the uniform project.
OK. I realise at this point I probably need a bit of background. Essentially what happened is that my school decided: "Hey, we don't like our logo or our uniform, it looks too boring and dark, so how about we get our kids to design new ones?"
You can probably imagine how this went... The school brought in professional designers to "help" us, who then basically decided that all our ideas were terrible and would never work, so ignored us and designed a new uniform without any of our input, while claiming we'd done all the work. Unsurprisingly then, we were left with six potential designs what were equally as dull and boring as what we'd started with, but with jumpers that were itchy and had a new logo on. Of course the school then decided to put these designs to a vote, but before they could do that, they needed a physical version of each design to be modelled by students at a reveal event. Committed as I was to the cause, and because I was fed up of being useless, I volunteered to do it...
Of course, what do they do? they set up a fasion show and make me go out first... Anyone who knows me knows I couldn't care less about fasion, and I'm completely clueless when it comes to fasion shows, so I was perhaps understandably nervous when not only did I have to go out first, I also had to wear the burgundy blazer, by far the worst of the six options. Anyway, the song they brought us out to? Katy Perry's Firework. One by one we emerged from behind the curtain, walked to the front of the stage then turned around and walked back again to stand at the back. When the music stopped all six of us were left standing there awkwardly while the designers answered questions about things they clearly didn't understand and hadn't bothered to research beforehand, such as "is it machine washable?" The lack of preparation on their part was quite frankly embarressing, for us and for them, and the outcome of the uniform project was an embaressment to the school. We went from "black jumper" to "smaller black jumper with new logo that is itchy" at which point they stopped saying "look at us we're great we involve students in our new uniform" and just quietly moved on and pretended nothing had happened.
I suppose that's the reason that song is cemented in my memory... Nevertheless though, despite all the bad associations with the uniform project, it brings me back to one of my lifes high points, (and there aren't many of those) so for that reason I suspect it will always have a special place in my heart.
The other reason this song holds meaning for me is the lyrics, which resonated with me, both then and now. If you already know the song then feel free to skip this part, it's likely going to massively increase the length of this post without really adding a whole lot, but here they are:
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards one blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no-one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you,
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
You don't have to feel like a waste of space, you're original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time you'll know
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
Boom Boom Boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon
It;s always been inside of you you you, and now it's time to let it through
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah...
Fireworks are, by definition, big, bright, loud and obvious. They light up the night sky around them before fading into nothingness, leaving us wondering just what happened. They're amazing to watch, but at the same time their immense power is terrifying, if handled the wrong way, these fireworks can cause massive damage to anything around them, either by blowing up in our faces or from resulting debris.
In a way, people are a bit like fireworks, although it is a sad sad truth that many of them will never realise this. We all have the potential to be something so much more than we actually are, but if we can never find a spark to ignite this potential, we will sit around for our whole lives as nothing more than components, a fraction of what we could have been.
I worry, particularly recently, that I'm losing my spark. Going to university was supposed to, in some ways, be a big red reset button for my life, letting me leave behind everything bad that was troubling me and allowing me to focus on becoming my own person, the one that God wants me to be. In reality though, I spend just as much time alone isolated from the world in my room now as I did before, if not more, and I can't imagine that's the reason I've been sent here, it just doesn't make sense. I came here to recreate myself, but instead I'm becoming more of the thing I hated, the thing I tried to leave behind, a lonely, socially awkward hermit.
Maybe that's all there is, but I don't believe for one second that my entire life is supposed to be like that. Trouble is, just because I know there is more doesn't make it any easier to deal with it right now. It feels a bit like I've tried to plant my roots but they just haven't taken and now the entire plant is suffering. The spark I had is getting dimmer as slowly but surely I am losing access to the fuel that feeds it.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose what I'm asking for is support. While I'm a lot more settled now than I was before, it's beginning to feel like I'm never going to "belong" here. It's a bit hard to explain, but I guess in some ways it still just kinda feels like I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people, but it still doesn't really feel like I've made any meaningful connections with anybody. Yes, there are people I get along with, and people I'd say I'm friends with. Alan, Paradeisa and the people from my flat, but it still feels like I don't really KNOW anybody, and that makes it really difficult to feel truly at home here.
I realise this is probably a bit of a big ask, but if there's anyone I know personally who is reading this who is even vaguely considering a trip down to Cardiff, then I'd love to see you, at this point I kinda just want to see a familiar face, someone I can talk to and go wandering around the city with (and don't take this personally, but I'm not really talking about direct family here, though obviously you'd be just as welcome, it's just that I see you anyway!). Heck, if you wanted to stay for a weekend that could probably be arranged, though I'd have to clear my room first, and there certainly isn't room for more than one person!
Aside from that, any thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated, it's a bit of a weird situation I find myself in, and I figure if anyone can help then God can. I mean, he's the reason I'm here in the first place...
Thank you to everyone back home, and those who aren't back home but know me well enough to be thinking of me, it means a lot even just that you care enough about me to read this far in my blog, which is honestly a massive achievement, since half the time I can't stand reading my own writing (though it's not as bad as listening to my own voice). I have no idea when my next post is going to be, but they are probably going to be less frequent from here on out, so for that I can only apologise, but I can't always find inspiration for stuff to write about. If something does appear I'll probably take some time to put it in a blog post, but I can't force inspiration. so I guess we'll just see how it goes. I hope everything is OK for you reading this, and that you are able to find your spark, no matter how hidden it may be, it's there.
May whatever happens lead us to where we're meant to be...
Well... not quite, technically it's after midnight, so I messed that one up, oh well (never mind it got to 3 am and I wasn't finished so I gave up and finished it later on on the 6th (well the 7th, since it was past midnight, again...) but this is written as if it were the 5th, so please treat it as such for my sake and yours...)
I've not done much today, I woke up at 1 in the afternoon and kinda sat in my room for a while, eating chocolate digestives. At some point (far too soon) it got dark, and I was left wondering where my day had gone. At about 7 oclock I realised I was kinda hungry, and because I'd run out of potato waffles I decided I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I ordered pizza, and really I've spent the entire day in my room.
As most of you are no doubt aware though, it's bonfire night. I'm not usually one to go out and watch fireworks, but tonight I guess you can say I made half an exception. One of the very few positives about living in University Hall is the fact that because its at the top of a hill you get amazing views of the city. On this particular night this meant that from my bedroom I was able to watch every firework display in Cardiff! All at once! This made for quite a spectacular evening in, even with the tree in the way. I had pizza, I had time to myself and I had whatever firework display I wanted to watch, all without having to leave my room! What more could I ask for? (aside from friends, a life, and the removal of THAT STUPID TREE... I'm rambling now ignore me...)
Unsurprisingly though, at least for anyone who knows me, this got me thinking. The thing at which my thoughts were directed? Fireworks, but specifically Katy Perry's song - Firework. (Go on judge me I'm past caring at this point..)
This song has a lot of memories associated with it, I'm not exactly sure why in some cases, but I guess it came from a time in my life when a lot of significant things happened, so it kinda got stuck in my head. If I were making a list of songs which held meaning to me beyond the song itself, this would definitely be up there at the top, only trailing behind Take That's "Shine" and possibly Lindsey Stirling's "Beyond the veil" (and if you don't know either of those songs, you really REALLY should go listen to them).
"Firework" was released in mid 2010, which on a timeline puts it somewhere near the end of my year 7 or the begining of year 8, and while at the time I appreciated the song for its melody and uplifting lyrics, it wasn't until year 9 that the song would come to have a special sort of significance. 2012 was a year I'm never likely to forget. If it wasn't the most eventful year of my life so far then it was certainly the most impactful. Even ignoring the olympics (which I didn't go to see but did still enjoy watching on TV). The events of 2012 were without question the most significant events in my life, but the thing that connects this song to that year in my mind was not one of these significant events, far from it. This song is connected to 2012 by the uniform project.
OK. I realise at this point I probably need a bit of background. Essentially what happened is that my school decided: "Hey, we don't like our logo or our uniform, it looks too boring and dark, so how about we get our kids to design new ones?"
You can probably imagine how this went... The school brought in professional designers to "help" us, who then basically decided that all our ideas were terrible and would never work, so ignored us and designed a new uniform without any of our input, while claiming we'd done all the work. Unsurprisingly then, we were left with six potential designs what were equally as dull and boring as what we'd started with, but with jumpers that were itchy and had a new logo on. Of course the school then decided to put these designs to a vote, but before they could do that, they needed a physical version of each design to be modelled by students at a reveal event. Committed as I was to the cause, and because I was fed up of being useless, I volunteered to do it...
Of course, what do they do? they set up a fasion show and make me go out first... Anyone who knows me knows I couldn't care less about fasion, and I'm completely clueless when it comes to fasion shows, so I was perhaps understandably nervous when not only did I have to go out first, I also had to wear the burgundy blazer, by far the worst of the six options. Anyway, the song they brought us out to? Katy Perry's Firework. One by one we emerged from behind the curtain, walked to the front of the stage then turned around and walked back again to stand at the back. When the music stopped all six of us were left standing there awkwardly while the designers answered questions about things they clearly didn't understand and hadn't bothered to research beforehand, such as "is it machine washable?" The lack of preparation on their part was quite frankly embarressing, for us and for them, and the outcome of the uniform project was an embaressment to the school. We went from "black jumper" to "smaller black jumper with new logo that is itchy" at which point they stopped saying "look at us we're great we involve students in our new uniform" and just quietly moved on and pretended nothing had happened.
I suppose that's the reason that song is cemented in my memory... Nevertheless though, despite all the bad associations with the uniform project, it brings me back to one of my lifes high points, (and there aren't many of those) so for that reason I suspect it will always have a special place in my heart.
The other reason this song holds meaning for me is the lyrics, which resonated with me, both then and now. If you already know the song then feel free to skip this part, it's likely going to massively increase the length of this post without really adding a whole lot, but here they are:
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards one blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no-one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you,
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
You don't have to feel like a waste of space, you're original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time you'll know
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
Boom Boom Boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon
It;s always been inside of you you you, and now it's time to let it through
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah...
Fireworks are, by definition, big, bright, loud and obvious. They light up the night sky around them before fading into nothingness, leaving us wondering just what happened. They're amazing to watch, but at the same time their immense power is terrifying, if handled the wrong way, these fireworks can cause massive damage to anything around them, either by blowing up in our faces or from resulting debris.
In a way, people are a bit like fireworks, although it is a sad sad truth that many of them will never realise this. We all have the potential to be something so much more than we actually are, but if we can never find a spark to ignite this potential, we will sit around for our whole lives as nothing more than components, a fraction of what we could have been.
I worry, particularly recently, that I'm losing my spark. Going to university was supposed to, in some ways, be a big red reset button for my life, letting me leave behind everything bad that was troubling me and allowing me to focus on becoming my own person, the one that God wants me to be. In reality though, I spend just as much time alone isolated from the world in my room now as I did before, if not more, and I can't imagine that's the reason I've been sent here, it just doesn't make sense. I came here to recreate myself, but instead I'm becoming more of the thing I hated, the thing I tried to leave behind, a lonely, socially awkward hermit.
Maybe that's all there is, but I don't believe for one second that my entire life is supposed to be like that. Trouble is, just because I know there is more doesn't make it any easier to deal with it right now. It feels a bit like I've tried to plant my roots but they just haven't taken and now the entire plant is suffering. The spark I had is getting dimmer as slowly but surely I am losing access to the fuel that feeds it.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose what I'm asking for is support. While I'm a lot more settled now than I was before, it's beginning to feel like I'm never going to "belong" here. It's a bit hard to explain, but I guess in some ways it still just kinda feels like I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people, but it still doesn't really feel like I've made any meaningful connections with anybody. Yes, there are people I get along with, and people I'd say I'm friends with. Alan, Paradeisa and the people from my flat, but it still feels like I don't really KNOW anybody, and that makes it really difficult to feel truly at home here.
I realise this is probably a bit of a big ask, but if there's anyone I know personally who is reading this who is even vaguely considering a trip down to Cardiff, then I'd love to see you, at this point I kinda just want to see a familiar face, someone I can talk to and go wandering around the city with (and don't take this personally, but I'm not really talking about direct family here, though obviously you'd be just as welcome, it's just that I see you anyway!). Heck, if you wanted to stay for a weekend that could probably be arranged, though I'd have to clear my room first, and there certainly isn't room for more than one person!
Aside from that, any thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated, it's a bit of a weird situation I find myself in, and I figure if anyone can help then God can. I mean, he's the reason I'm here in the first place...
Thank you to everyone back home, and those who aren't back home but know me well enough to be thinking of me, it means a lot even just that you care enough about me to read this far in my blog, which is honestly a massive achievement, since half the time I can't stand reading my own writing (though it's not as bad as listening to my own voice). I have no idea when my next post is going to be, but they are probably going to be less frequent from here on out, so for that I can only apologise, but I can't always find inspiration for stuff to write about. If something does appear I'll probably take some time to put it in a blog post, but I can't force inspiration. so I guess we'll just see how it goes. I hope everything is OK for you reading this, and that you are able to find your spark, no matter how hidden it may be, it's there.
May whatever happens lead us to where we're meant to be...
Saturday 5 November 2016
Prifysgol Caerdydd - The review that took four weeks to write...
Before we say anything, I've realised that there are some of you reading this who aren't connected to me on social media, so won't have seen pictures of my hall. Because of this I have decided to create a new blog page to upload all the images that just don't really fit anywhere else, you can find these at http://entityimages.blogspot.co.uk/ But without further ado, onto the main post!
28 days in, it finally happened. I was woken up by a fire alarm. At 7:30 in the morning... Admittedly I needed to wake up about then anyway in order to be able to be ready to catch a bus to my lecture, but nonetheless, being suddenly and brutally dragged out of sleep by the fire alarm was not the way I had hoped to go about things. Needless to say however, it proved incredibly effective. After throwing on my dressing gown and walking outside barefoot in the cold, the residences team told us it was the yearly "Trial run" to make sure we knew what to do and where to go, so it's not even like the alarm was set off by a student.
Anyway, I wrote the first part of this a week ago (3 weeks ago), and got sidetracked, so to be honest I don't really remember where it was going, It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened. Assignments have been handed in and returned to me, and I've had 3 sessions of labs which I'm yet to even mention. My first piece of lab work that counts for anything was returned to me as 55%, which if it counted towards a degree classification (it doesn't) would be a mid 2:2. Not too bad considering I still feel like I just got here, and it's well above the pass mark at 40%, so for the moment at least I'm happy with it. Everything else seems to be averaging at 60-70%, looking at my gradebook, although I'm still waiting on marks from some stuff, so it seems to be fairly positive, and I'm just about managing to keep up with the work I'm being set, so I guess that's good. Who knows really?
Oh, and at this point I should probably clarify that I am not in fact learning welsh, despite the title of this post, living in wales you tend to pick up stuff. I've now been here for 5 weeks, and it still feels like I moved in yesterday, but I figured I've probably now been here long enough to write a pros and cons list for things I like and dislike about the university so far, in case there is anyone who is considering applying here or applied here or knows someone who has/is planning to. I'm also happy to answer any questions people might have regarding my own experience of university so far, so feel free to contact me, or get someone who knows me to contact me, and failing either of those things I'm under the impression there's a comments section somewhere on this blog, so by all means put questions there. Without further ado though, I present to you: The pros and cons of my 5 weeks in Cardiff!
Pros:
28 days in, it finally happened. I was woken up by a fire alarm. At 7:30 in the morning... Admittedly I needed to wake up about then anyway in order to be able to be ready to catch a bus to my lecture, but nonetheless, being suddenly and brutally dragged out of sleep by the fire alarm was not the way I had hoped to go about things. Needless to say however, it proved incredibly effective. After throwing on my dressing gown and walking outside barefoot in the cold, the residences team told us it was the yearly "Trial run" to make sure we knew what to do and where to go, so it's not even like the alarm was set off by a student.
Anyway, I wrote the first part of this a week ago (3 weeks ago), and got sidetracked, so to be honest I don't really remember where it was going, It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened. Assignments have been handed in and returned to me, and I've had 3 sessions of labs which I'm yet to even mention. My first piece of lab work that counts for anything was returned to me as 55%, which if it counted towards a degree classification (it doesn't) would be a mid 2:2. Not too bad considering I still feel like I just got here, and it's well above the pass mark at 40%, so for the moment at least I'm happy with it. Everything else seems to be averaging at 60-70%, looking at my gradebook, although I'm still waiting on marks from some stuff, so it seems to be fairly positive, and I'm just about managing to keep up with the work I'm being set, so I guess that's good. Who knows really?
Oh, and at this point I should probably clarify that I am not in fact learning welsh, despite the title of this post, living in wales you tend to pick up stuff. I've now been here for 5 weeks, and it still feels like I moved in yesterday, but I figured I've probably now been here long enough to write a pros and cons list for things I like and dislike about the university so far, in case there is anyone who is considering applying here or applied here or knows someone who has/is planning to. I'm also happy to answer any questions people might have regarding my own experience of university so far, so feel free to contact me, or get someone who knows me to contact me, and failing either of those things I'm under the impression there's a comments section somewhere on this blog, so by all means put questions there. Without further ado though, I present to you: The pros and cons of my 5 weeks in Cardiff!
Pros:
- Locals here are really friendly, it's not uncommon to end up in a conversation with someone while waiting to cross the road, and this really helps with settling in
- Students I've spoken to are also friendly, though a significant number of them appear to be drunk 90% of the time, so if you get over that it's fine? I guess?
- Cardiff feels like a really safe place to be. I've never been in a situation where I've been worried about getting somewhere, and that takes a lot of pressure off when you're still settling.
- University buildings are surprisingly easy to navigate. While its true that some of them can be like mazes, buildings I've needed to navigate have been numbered intuitively, so if you know what room your lecture is in it is really easy to get there. The only exception here is that the ground floor is denoted by 0, which can be a bit confusing at first, but really isn't a big deal once you know about it.
- Cardiff has pretty good bus links to places, so if you need to get somewhere from the city centre you almost certainly can. Cardiff bus also offer a free, pay as you go iff card for travelling on the buses, so you can pre pay your bus fare and not have to worry about finding change
- Lots of student support, pretty much the entirety of Park Place is dedicated to students, so everything you could ever need is in one place
- University hall is a really nice place, once you get over the fact it looks like a prison, and is on top of a rather large hill, so you get amazing views out over the city, especially at night.
- Uni hall has a free, hourly study bus, so getting to lectures in the morning is relatively easy
- Living by yourself gives you absolute total freedom over your routine, if you want to go and do something, (within reason and the confines of law) you probably can. If you want to eat you can eat (if you have food) and if you want to sleep or go out you can sleep or go out.
Cons (University specific) :
- My halls of residence are literally miles away from the university itself (2 mile walk). There are halls which are much closer, but as I applied as an insurance applicant I got stuck with whatever was left
- My halls of residence are at the top of a huge hill, need I say more?
- Cardiff University RESLAN is a pain to set up, and for the first couple of weeks would frequently disconnect my devices from the internet for no reason, though is working fine now. If you're considering coming here then make sure you have a lot of mobile data just in case.
- Uni hall bus has driven past as I've been walking out of the building more times than I care to admit (4 times to be exact), and because of the timings I probably miss the bus back 4 days in every 5. I then have 3 options: Pay £1.30 for a bus, wait an hour for the next free bus or walk back, and its a 40 minute walk up a huge hill...
- Living in uni hall makes 9 am lectures torture, as you have to wake up at 7:30 to get ready on time to catch the bus.
- Cardiff bus is incredibly unreliable. I spent half an hour today (who knows when today is at this point) waiting for a 52 bus up to my hall, only for the 52 bus I was on to be overtaken by another 52 bus going in the same direction
Cons (General) :
- I'm convinced sleep is not something that exists as a student. This is likely the case wherever you're going though, so isn't really a point against Cardiff as much as a point against university generally.
- Fire alarms, they suck, although living in Nevern is quite good, as 7 weeks in I am yet to be around when it has been set off by a student, it's never fun when they test them and you have to work out whether or not you actually have to evacuate
- If you don't buy or cook food, you don't have food, I found this out the hard way when I realised the only food I had was chocolate biscuits. (not REALLY the hard way, but hey!)
- No money, well... I should say, lots of money, but a very tight budget, once you account for rent. It's all too easy to think "I have lots of student loan money" and spend it all before your rent needs to be paid. Your money needs to last!
General points, good and bad :
- I've been genuinely surprised how easy it has been for me to share the fact I'm a Christian with those people I speak to
- I got onto this course with grades lower than most clearing applicants, and while there's nothing wrong with that necessarily as it's really now irrelevant, every time I mess up or don't understand something it just makes me feel even more like I don't really deserve to be here. It's a weird situation, but there will absolutely be stuff you don't understand, no matter what degree course you choose to do, and keeping on top of it can be difficult, but is also incredibly important
I'm sorry this took so long to write, I kept getting sidetracked and not knowing how I wanted to finish it, I was never exactly happy with the ending. I decided to leave it here for now, as its honestly just been far too long, and I'm not really sure what else there is to say. It's been a while, I've not killed myself yet, and yeah, that's about it. Who knows when my next post is going to be...
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