Worst day ever...?

OK, I caught "Fresher's flu" and it sucks. Sore throat, aches and pains, drowziness and a constant feeling of being cold no matter how many layers I put on. I've not eaten much for the past few days, partly because I haven't been hungry and partly because theres no food in my cupboard to eat, feeling as ill as I am I don't want to leave my bedroom, so the whole thing is a viscous circle spiralling down and down.

Freshers flu by itself would be bad enough, but today, for the first time ever, my alarm failed me.
I had a lecture scheduled for 9 AM, my first one ever at the university. What time do I wake up? 9:20...

The first thing I noticed was that I wasn't as tired waking up as I had expected myself to be, that should have prepared me, but no. I looked at the clock and I saw 9:20. Not only had I massively overslept (the plan was to wake up at 7:30) but I had just 10 minutes to wake up, get ready and actually catch the bus!

For any of you who aren't aware, I'm not exactly particularly close to the physics building, so to illustrate the extent of the problem here's a picture:

Essentially, the Cardiff School of Physics and Astronomy, where I was headed, is a 45 minute walk from my halls. Being in uni hall we get a free study bus, but it's hourly, which means that if you miss it, you're in serious trouble. At the absolute earliest, I was going to arrive at the physics building at about 5 past 10, not only missing the first lecture but also the first part of the second lecture. Not a good start to my time at university.

Labs today was an absolute nightmare. While theoretically it should have been interesting, trying to determine the drag coefficient of air using muffin cases, the lab just dragged on and on and on... I had an awful headache all through the session, and my entire body ached. By the end of the 3 hours I seriously wanted to just go to a corner and sleep for the rest of time. On top of all this, when you have just taken 100 measurements for the time taken for a muffin case to reach the floor, it's totally utterly soul destroying to discover that you've plotted a graph on the wrong scale, using the wrong variables which you accidentally made a mistake in calculating.

To top it all off though, the lab finished at just after 4. The bus back to my hall left the Trevithick building at 4 exactly, and, as I think I've already mentioned, it's an hourly bus. I was therefore left stuck in the rain, without a coat, as in my rush to leave in the morning I had neglected to bring one, forced to pay £1.80 for a bus fare or walk. (I chose the former)

Oh, and did I mention I have no food?

Today was not a good day...

It's Complicated...

So it's been a few days since I last posted, and I figured I had to do something about that, to give a quick run down on the past few days before I get properly into this post, since last posting I have:

• Finished inductions
• Been assigned a personal tutor and student mentor
• Picked the optional modules "Engaging Physics" and "Planet Earth"
• Averaged about 5 hours sleep, mostly my own fault
• Read two thirds of the book "Cupcakes, Trinkets and Other Deadly Magic" (Thanks Taz!)
• Gained nearly 16 million firemaking experience on the game RuneScape (equivalent to about 18/19 hours play time, don't judge me...)
• Achieved Silver V on League of Legends, 3 years late...
• Met fellow physics student Alan for Coffee (Hot Chocolate)
• Cooked 4 meals, and then subsequently run out of food in the cupboard, but not died
• Joined the Chaos society, and then somehow managed to not make it to any of their events
• Been kept up until almost 4 AM by flat mates singing in the kitchen
• Spent 5 hours doing labs prep, and decided I hate uncertainties and everything they stand for
• Thought of about 3 or 4 blog posts, and then not posted them
• Met up with Ruth, Adam and Zoe
• Gone to a random church, Cardiff Vineyard, which probably won't be the only church I visit but is definitely somewhere I feel I could settle, and will probably return to at least once
• Survived freshers week without consuming alcohol!

Last but not least, I think I've decided that life here is not so bad! I've met some great people here, (Alice wanted a mention, but all my flat mates are great really. And everyone else I've spoken to!) and despite being in a flat of 11 as one of the most socially awkward, introverted people you're ever likely to meet I think I'm doing all right, which is the complete opposite of the panic attacks of just over a week ago right now. If anything I think having more people around is better, because there's always someone around in the kitchen to talk to when cooking and stuff, although I don't spend a whole lot of time there, and when I do I make the most boring unadventurous food you can think of (plain pasta with breaded chicken) but that really isn't the point.

Anyway, with that out of the way, you might be starting to wonder... "What's complicated"

The honest answer really is, everything, but the specific thing I'm talking about here is the question of my faith, how I present it and how other people see it. 

(On a side note, the purpose of this post is not to try and convert anybody, it is to share something that has been on my mind now for months, and I apologise if it comes across that way)

At this point, at least 3 different people have asked me the question "Are you religious?" 

My Answer? "It's complicated..."

I will now try and explain what I mean by this, but as a warning, I've not worked out exactly how to explain it yet, so sorry if it is difficult to follow or inadvertently offends somebody. When I say "It's complicated" what I am not trying to do is hide the fact I have a faith. I am a Christian, I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus died and was raised so that through his death we might live. I realise any non Christians reading this will probably think I'm some sort of crazy person for believing this, but heck, I'm going to put this on my blog anyway, so go ahead and call me crazy, there are many other things I do which are equally as crazy (Just to give an example, I now have 9,260 hours logged on the game RuneScape, which equates to well over a year spent logged in). But I'm getting sidetracked...

So yes, I'm a Christian, and I try to be open about it. I'm not as open about it as I would like to be, but if someone asks me I no longer try and hide the fact, but am I religious? To the person asking the question, yes, I am. I believe in God, so therefore I must be religious, right...?

Actually, I would have told you otherwise, and this is where it gets complicated. I've never liked the word "religion" I always feel like it is far too nonspecific, and conveys the wrong ideas. To me, a religion is something to be followed religiously, something with rules and regulations which must be adhered to in order to achieve something better. When an atheist hears the word religion, this is immediately what they think of, and what are rules and regulations to be followed if not a chore. Religion to an atheist sounds like something dull, something they don't want any part of.

Christianity to me is the exact opposite of these things. Instead of being bound to a certain code of practice, having to work your way to enlightenment, we have instead been freed, so that we may have life to the full, now and always. Being a Christian is not a chore, far from it! It's an invitation to the best party ever! There were always going to be ups, and there were always going to be downs, and nobody said it was going to be easy, but it's life to the full, and as Miriam Swaffield put it: "you can't half jump off a bridge" You can stand there, on the edge, attached to the bungee cord and never committing to the jump, or you can take the risk and experience all life has to offer.

Now, having compared being a Christian to a bungee jump, you can probably tell why I wouldn't call myself a religious person. No religion I know of gets followers to jump off bridges attached to bungee cords for no reason other than because it's a vaguely terrifying yet at the same time fun experience. It just doesn't fit together in anybodies heads.

I think sometimes Christianity gets a bit of a bad rep, from street preachers and the like saying you will go to hell if you don't repent and confess your sins. All that people like that are ever likely to achieve is alienating people who are non believers. It's partly for this reason that I prefer to communicate my faith through my actions, rather than shoving it down peoples throats. A kind action for Jesus will go a lot further than a few words. It's for this reason it may seem like I'm hiding my faith at times. I don't want to force anything on anybody, because ultimately it's their decision, not mine, and it's meaningless if you're not able or willing to live by it.

Honestly I don't know how to end this, so I suppose it's going to be a bit abrupt, but if anyone wants to talk about literally anything related to my faith, or even just random other stuff I'll try and be around, just don't try and contact me at ridiculous o'clock!

Circles

Today consisted of a lot of circles.

Our induction today included an IOP mechanics survey, which supposedly is so they can get an idea of the sort of level we're at at the end of A level. It was essentially 30 multiple choice mechanics questions, for no purpose other than collecting anonymous information. Anyway, it had a lot of circles on it, both circular motion questions and circles to fill in on the answer sheet in response. When that was done I went on a round trip to KFC, since I had been planning to be back at uni hall for lunch, but realised I wouldn't be, and it just happened to be a conveniently placed source of food. (No, I do not plan on doing that regularly, lunch cost me more than my entire daily food budget)

When I got back to the Trevithick building we had a short talk about student mentors, and then were assigned mentor groups, the idea being that while we're here we have someone to go to who isn't a member of staff, so we can relate to them a bit better, and not feel intimidated. My mentor is a guy called Lewis, who seems nice (although I have to say that because he is quite possibly reading this, Lewis, I'm sorry if I just offended you by adding this bracket, and now I'm in a hole and I'm keeping on digging in the vague hope that one day I might get out the other side... Don't judge me...). In all seriousness though, it's nice to know that there is someone like that I can go to if I'm struggling. Settling in so far has been pretty tough, although now I'm getting to know people a bit better it's not so bad. I've not really made many connections with people on my course so far, because even though I have a group chat for physics people, I don't recognise anybody, and anybody who knows me knows I'm terrible at initiating conversations. (Again, sorry if anyone from said group chat is offended by this). So far I've spoken to about 5 physicists, 3 for more than about 5 minutes, and one of those 3 I'm living with, so it was inevitable.

Anyway, back to circles, so I finished the mentor session at 14:25 and realised the uni hall bus wasn't going to appear for at the least half an hour. Having nothing better to do, I decided to walk to the SU to kill some time and get on the bus sooner, at which point I reallised that the societies fair was today. Of course, by this point it was quarter to 3, and the bus was due to arrive in 5 minutes, so I didn't really have time to look around much. I certainly wasn't convinced I wanted to spend an hour by myself at the union if I missed the bus, so I sent a message to my flat group chat asking if anyone was down at the union, then after receiving no response got on the bus back to uni hall. Of course at this point Michael from my flat sends a message saying he wants to come down to the union, so I made the decision to get the bus straight back down from uni hall. Unbeknownst to me, as I had got on the bus to go back to my halls, Leonie had just got off the exact same bus at the exact same place, and had I reallised this I would have saved an hour round trip, oh well... I actually feel a bit sorry for Leonie, because I'm under the impression she had nothing to do for the entire time I was gone, although I suppose that's what you get for not responding to my messages! (And with that I've definitely offended somebody, sorry Leonie... Stop digging holes Jack)

Oh, I did buy a cool poster today, that's about it really. I think over the weekend I'm gonna try and make my room feel a bit more homely, so I might put some pictures up of that if I get the chance, watch this space.

Induction

So I had my physics induction today, 9:15 AM Trevithick building T/2.09. Woke up at half 7, assuming I'd have more than enough time to get there, and after having breckfast had a minor panic attack when I reallised it was 8:25, and the bus leaves at 8:30. It's worth mentioning at this point that I hadn't put my shoes on, or located my keys, ID cards or money. By some miracle, I made it to the bus, which then inevitably, in a big city, got stuck in rush hour traffic. 40 minutes later I arrived at the physics buildings, and was fortunately able to locate T/2.09 fairly quickly, thanks to a very helpful receptionist. I arrived at my induction at 9:13 AM

9:30 came and went, and still nothing happened, I guess they expect people to be late on their first day. Oh well...

Annoyingly though, this means that even if I catch the slightly earlier bus, at 8:20, I'm going to be late to 9 AM lectures. Guess I'd better get used to walking...

On that note, I missed the bus back, and it's hourly, so I then had to wait for the next bus or walk, in the end I decided to wait, so I met Jordan, complained about his hall being so close to the physics building, waited for the bus, walked to the SU for the next bus, looked at the bus and decided to walk back anyway. Don't ask why. (I needed bread from Lidl)

Argueably the worst decision I have ever made. I bought 4 litres of fruit juice and had to haul it all the way up the hill. What should have been a 30 minute walk ended up taking closer to an hour, as I had to keep stopping to rest my arms and catch my breath. I really hope Uni hall does deliveries, because I'm not sure I am able to do that on a regular basis.

Anyway, the rest of my day was relatively uneventful, if you ignore the fact it's currently nearly 2 AM and my flat mates are having a conversation in the corridor having just got back from a paint party. Wewp!

Identity

Today, was a lot more eventful than yesterday. I was woken up at around 10 (yes, that's early... don't judge me) by one of my flat mates Kestra trying to work our intercom. After grabbing a quick breakfast I was offered a lift down to the SU to pick up ID cards, so I went. Upon arriving I was given a ticket and told it would be about an hour, at which point I bumped into Nick, a fellow physicist. Actually, he bumped into me, I wouldn't have recognised him, but to all you doubters out there, my unique hair does have it's uses! So me, Kestra and Nick were all stuck watching a screen for 2 hours waiting for our numbers to show up. In hindsight, we probably should have gone to do something else, but no, we just stood around not doing a whole lot other than talking to each other. it was dull, but it was an excuse to be sociable, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

1:43 pm, and I finally reach the end of the queue. The whole process could definitely have been handled a lot better, but it was certainly an interesting experience. I got my ID card, and decided to walk back up to Uni hall. Mistake...

So it turns out my accommodation is not only an absolute trek from the university. It's also at the top of a flippin' great big hill. THE ENTIRE WALK WAS UPHILL!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully I didn't get lost, so I arrived back at uni hall exhausted, but in one piece, and somehow, in the space of a few hours, my number of flat mates doubled. We're still missing one, but 10 of the 11 are now accounted for. I still don't know all the names of people, but I'm making progress! 

Oh, and Amar blew up a bottle of Prosecco, that was exciting...

Home?

Another day has gone, and this one was even more uneventful than the last. Two new flat mates turned up, so there are now 5 of us, though I suspect, since I only saw one of them move in, that the other has been here since yesterday. That or he moved in really really early this morning.

I've not even really left my flat today, well that's not true, I left briefly to walk down the hill to buy food for dinner, but that's it. Tomorrow promises to be more interesting, however. I'm going down to the SU to pick up my ID card, and hopefully explore a bit, break up the boredom!

Honestly though, so far my feelings towards uni as a whole are pretty negative. The fact I can't play games on my computer sucks, but to be honest the real thing bothering me is that I'm alone. Yes, there are people in my flat, and they seem like nice people, but I'm effectively trapped, on my own, in a strange city. The reality of everything is setting in, and it's a harsh one. The next few weeks are not going to be easy, but they will define my experience.

I have a sort of "daily quotes" calendar, with a thought, quote or bible verse for each day of the year, and today, of course, I get this:
 
Honestly, at this point I'm pretty convinced I'm being laughed at. University is the complete opposite of easy for me. I'm in a place that, although it is my home, feels nothing like home, with people that, although they live with me, feel nothing like my family, and if I don't actively go out and get food to eat I won't be able to eat. You could hardly have thrown me in more of a deep end. In the space of under a day, my entire life has changed, and right now all I want is to see a familiar face, but the only familiar faces are 100 miles away. I want to go home, but my home is here now, in Cardiff, and running away is never going to solve anything. I just have to make the best of it...

And so it begins

So I'm at university now, it's a weird feeling, like I'm somewhere I don't belong. Surely this is not for me, but for somebody else. I can't possibly be meant to be here.

But no, despite all this doubt in my mind, I am meant to be here. Three days from writing this post is my induction, and in the gap? Well... who knows... I might stick around in my flat, or I might go wandering, who knows right? One thing I do know though is that at some point I need to go and buy food. I may be known as the plain pasta guy, but when all you have in your cupboard is pasta, cake, jam and custard you kinda struggle to do anything else. Thankfully, there's a lot of cake, so even with 11 people in my flat I suspect we'll not need to worry about that.

Actually, move in day was very uneventful, if you ignore the obvious thing of I'm now living by myself. I packed up my stuff, stuffed it all in a car, was driven down here, registered, collected my key, took my stuff up to my room, unpacked and then wrestled with RESLAN to connect to the internet, before discovering all the games I play are currently blocked until I join the gaming society, yay...

My flat is currently kinda empty though, as far as I can tell there are only 3 of us here, but I think more are arriving tomorrow, so I guess we'll see, anyway it's currently 2 AM so I'd better go, I'll try and keep you all updated with stuff, but with this internet it might prove difficult!

Introduction and Testimony

What is: The Entity? 

The definition of an entity is "a thing with distinct and independent existence." 

For anyone who was keeping up with The Exoskeleton story, the entity refers to the thing trapped inside the suit, or, for anyone who wasn't keeping up with the story, the real me. The Exoskeleton was a defence mechanism I built to protect myself from that which would harm me, all the barriers I put up to prevent anyone from ever seeing me for who I truly am. The problem was, I built those barriers to be impenetrable, and so they then became my prison. I was forced into a shape I was never meant to be in because I couldn't escape the suit. About a year ago now, I was able to break free, but the entity within the exoskeleton was still the same shape. Think of it a bit like jelly in a mould. I had set into the shape of the suit.

The Entity will follow me on my journey, for the next year or so, in trying to finally undo the damage and become my own person, no longer shaped by having to be something I'm not, but able to adapt to new challenges. On that note then, I figured the best way to open this blog would be with my "New Challenges" testimony from just over a week ago now, so here it is:

Honestly, if there's one thing I've learned this year it's that sometimes what God wants for you can be blindingly obvious, but other times it's not. Most of you probably know by now that in just under two weeks time now I'm heading off to study physics at Cardiff university, and if you'd told me that a year ago I wouldn't have believed you. It's been one seriously bumpy ride getting to this point, but then again, nobody said it was going to be easy.

I went into my second year of sixth form last september without a clue where I was headed, what I wanted to do, or even how on earth I was ever going to get there with grades far below what I was potentially going to need, with just two months to make a decision that was potentially going to define the rest of my life, so as you can imagine it was a pretty tense atmosphere. This inevitably led to no end of problems. I'm not going to go into specifics, because it's not my story to tell, but the short of it is essentially the friendship group I had fell apart. Not because we had an arguement or anything like that, but just because we weren't as close as we had once been, and like true introverts as soon as things got difficult socially we decided to isolate ourselves from each other.

Luckily for me though, spreadsheets exist! So in the midst of all this social turmoil I got to work. I figured that if I didn't know what I was going to do next year I'd shortlist a few potential subjects and then find out which universities did them, comparing universities using the statistics published online on various websites. I settled on physics because I figured it was something I'd be able to stick with, and went from there. Eventually I had narrowed down the list to 5 potential universities. Surrey, Sussex, Southampton, Queens Belfast and Cardiff. So I put in my UCAS application.

It might come as a surprise to you that Cardiff was never initially one of my top 2 choices, so when a month after I'd had offers from all the other universities and I'd still not heard from Cardiff I was pretty sure I was going to drop my application to them completely, and make a decision based on the four offers I had. I don't know what it was persuaded me to wait, but shortly after I got an invitation to a University applicant day, so I decided to hold off making a decision until I'd actually seen the university properly. The applicant day completely changed my opinion of the university, putting it second  on my preferences, so in hindsight I'm glad I waited.

A couple of weeks later, I went to see Queens University Belfast, and was seriously impressed. If I had been making a choice about university, and Queens had not been across the Irish sea, it would have easily ranked first on my preferences. As it was, it was good enough I was willing to make the crossing, so on the 27th February 2016, I replied to my offers. Southampton univeristy Firm choice. Queen's University Belfast insurance choice.

Two days later, I got the letter. Cardiff University. "Dear Jack, after meeting you at our applicant day, we were very impressed, so have decided to lower the conditions of your offer, from AAB to ABB at A level"

Commence full on panic. I had sent off my final decisions to UCAS, and declined Cardiff, and now they were changing my offer from something that was likely unattainable to something that was potentially realistic. Changing my final decision was unlikely to be a straightforward process, so I emailed the admissions tutor at Cardiff explaining my situation, and then we called up UCAS to see if it was possible to change it. Thankfully it was a lot simpler than I feared, and 10 minutes later I was looking at an application with Cardiff as an insurance choice, not Belfast.

Exam season came and went faster than I ever would have believed possible, and was pretty much the worst it could have been in terms of getting my offer grades. Before I knew it, results day was upon me. UCAS Track opened at 8 AM and I was staring at a screen that read "Congratulations!" rather than "Clearing" I genuinely couldn't quite believe I'd made it and still can't. I had prepared myself mentally for the worst, but somehow, by some miracle, everything had worked out. Opening my results I genuinely thought that Cardiff had made some mistake. The grades I was looking at were not ABB, or even ABC, they were ABD! Not only had I got into the university, I had got in 2 grades below an already lowered offer!

Looking back, I see now how God has been with me throughout the process, but at the time I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Waiting to respond to the offers until Cardiff had made a decision, the applicant day, actually declining Cardiff at first and then getting the letter lowering my offer grades, changing my insurance choice and finally getting in against all odds 3 grades below my initial offer. In a weird way, I was kind of hoping that I would not get into uni, that I'd miss my grades and have an excuse not to go, to postpone the change. I should have known that God doesn't work like that. He throws us right in the deep end. To get where he wants us to be is going to be hard, but the journey, although rough, leads us to something so much more than what we sacrifice to get there.

I don't know what my future holds, but what I do know is that if God didn't want me to go to Cardiff all he would have had to do would have been to convince me to press one button on a UCAS application, and that would have been that. No more Cardiff, and quite possibly no more university. The transition is likely to be incredibly difficult. But with God behind me I'm ready to face anything that comes my way.