Blogging > Sleeping

(I had a better title, but changed it when I put this post up at 5:30 AM)

I'm not going to pretend I'm suddenly fluent in Welsh, because that would be a lie, but given where last year took me I think it'd be wrong to not give that a bit of a shoutout by wishing everyone "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!" - "Happy New Year!" (and for anyone other than the maybe 2 welsh people reading this, that's "Blew-ith-in Ney-with Tha") (I also really hope I've not just massively embarrassed myself by trying to type it out phonetically and getting it wrong, so if you do happen to know welsh please feel free to mock me for this)

It's been a crazy wild year, and to be honest I'd be lying if I said I was sad to see it go. It was a year filled with dark depression, loneliness, the falling apart of my friendship group and secrets that damn near destroyed me, and those that were once close to me, the combination of all of those things fuelling a restlessness inside me that meant I needed to leave, to restart, to become "me". In leaving though, I managed to do the typical "me" thing and leave things unsaid, and in doing so I created a situation where it became impossible to move on. I trapped myself in the past. I guess sometimes we just meet the right people at the wrong time. I said a year ago on January 1st that I hoped 2016 would be a year to remember, and it has been, but for all the wrong reasons...

Despite all the bad stuff, I can't just let 2016 go without mentioning all the good things that happened, because whatever I might have said, it's actually been an amazing year, as far as personal growth goes. I've accomplished things this year that if you told me I'd accomplish at the start of this year I'd quite frankly have laughed at you. I managed to secure a place at university, against all odds, I've gained a huge amount of confidence (although still not as much as I wish I had), in myself and in other situations, and I've learned some really important lessons about trust, both in what I am capable of, and in the plan God has for my life and what living that life means. The bungee jump lifestyle, as Miriam Swaffield put it. Living that is terrifying, but you can't half jump off a bridge. What you get is whole life, with all it's ups and downs, or no life. You go, or you don't. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but that's not really the point. It's the path I chose to take, and that's what matters.

As a final farewell to 2016 then, I think it's only right that I end this post with what is perhaps an over done, but still good list of the five best moments of the past year, so without further ado, here it is:

5. EPMF 2016

The European Puppetry and creative Ministry Festival is an annual event where teams from all over the country gather to showcase all things puppety. It is a 2 day event packed full of workshops, competitions and performances by well known (at least in their circles) acts, the highlight of which is a one hour performance by the year's puppet academy, which is essentially "what can you do with no limits." It is always inspiring to see just what they have been able to accomplish in a short space of time, and the final performance this year was Steven Curtis Chapman's "Lord of the Dance" using a combination of blacklight, puppets and dance with dowel rods. It is my hope that I will be able to enter their ranks this year, although doing so requires me to submit a video for review performing behind an uncurtained stage, so it's a fair bet that whatever it is I do ends up on the YouTube channel, though more on that at a later date.

4. Prosecco bonding

OK, so I'd literally just moved into my halls at University, as in, I'd been there two days, but because this happened on the day the majority of people arrived I'm going to call it day one, and just go with that. Essentially one of the people in my flat brought a bottle of Prosecco, as an excuse to have us all get together and get to know one another. She didn't want to open it, not because she didn't want Prosecco, but because Prosecco is somewhat fizzy, and bottles if not handled carefully have a habit of exploding. As we found out when Rhys tried to open it... Suffice to say the clearing up of the resulting "alcohol all over the kitchen floor" situation proved to be a much better icebreaker than the alcohol itself (though I didn't have any).

3. Soul Survivor

Seriously, if I've not mentioned this to you, I don't know how the heck I've managed to avoid talking about it. While this year wasn't necessarily the best year for it, at least in my experience I did still get a huge amount out of it, and the week itself was a really powerful reminder of what it is I live for, and is the origin of the bungee jump quote (anyone who is really REALLY interested and has a while to spare can find the entire 41 minute talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLf_YbdVmoc )
Other highlights include Andy Croft "Leaving Mike in the grand canyon to die" (Wow Woe Go talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfkiyhK9hW0 ) and his quote "Nobody in the history of calming down has ever calmed down by being told to calm down"

2. New Wine

This probably seems a little backward for anyone who knows me particularly well, but yes, New Wine this year really was better than Soul Survivor, and yes, that's actually crazy, given how much I rave about how amazing Soul Survivor is. This year was my second year serving on team at the conference, working on the Stepping Stones team with 0-4s. I don't know what it is that draws me back there, it's not the sort of thing you'd expect to find me doing, but it really does make a huge difference being a part of a team like that, you always have something to do, people are really friendly, and although I'm completely terrible at social interaction being put in that situation really forces you to adapt, and to fill your role. The defining moment of the week though was the family celebration, where Stepping Stones ended up being part of a prayer ministry team at the front of the main arena for almost 2000 people. I could have run away at that point, and not shown up, but instead I decided that despite how terrified I was of the prospect I would put myself out there and see what happened. I ended up praying for a family, and it was really an exercise in trust, that I'd be given the right words to say, because anyone who knows me knows I don't do prayer out loud, but when you're in that situation you kinda have to, or the people you're praying for might feel uncomfortable or awkward. It didn't feel particularly spiritual at the time, but looking back I can see how it was, and it has really changed my perspective.

1. Teignmouth

OK, so what beats New Wine, well the answer might surprise you, or it might not depending on who you are and/or how well you know me. You may or may not be aware that I have had a very busy summer this year. Two weeks of camping, the family holiday, a good week of puppet rehearsal (in which nobody killed anybody else, amazingly), and finally this.

Essentially, I'd been trying to convince my friend Elise to come with us to Soul Survivor for quite a long time, unfortunately with no success. We'd been planning to do some kind of multi day trip for a while, but the year before our plans to go camping had fallen apart when the two other people we were trying to invite decided not to go. We had also completely failed to find any campsites which meant we didn't have much of a plan. This year however, our plans to organise something actually ended up working out. What we got was far from the camping trip we had originally planned. What we got was Teignmouth.

Although we didn't really go with a plan, those 4 days were undoubtedly the highlight of the year, and the memories I have of the trip, and the time we spent together, just as friends, are ones I will treasure forever, because with friends, it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're together.

Honourable mentions: 

• Rube Goldberg labs
• "Lionel the polar bear" (Seriously, long story, might write about it at some point)
• Results day

Anyway, as of writing this sentence it's 5:24 AM, and I really REALLY need to sleep, but I would just like to end by saying a great big massive thank you to everyone who has supported me over the past year, and all the amazing people I've met in Cardiff. You guys make life liveable, you really do.

Thank you for all the positive memories I've made of last year, despite all the bad stuff, and here's to the next one!

A countdown to the end...

No, this really isn't as ominous as the title might make it sound, or maybe it is, who knows... We're coming to the end of what for many, and not just me, has been a really difficult and challenging year.

I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to talk about "Brexit", Donald Trump, war, the refugee crisis, Harambe or any of the other well known figures we've lost this year. I'm also not going to use this as an opportunity to talk about why 2016 has been probably the most difficult year ever for me personally, since you've probably at this point gotten fed up of hearing it. Before I begin though, I do have one request. I know that most of the people reading this probably don't do this sort of thing, but I just ask that, those that do, please pray for the year ahead, for me, and for all of us, because quite frankly we're likely to need all the help we can get...

I found this picture a while back, as a winning piece of artwork in a competition, and I think it fits quite well with what I want to talk about, but because I guarantee that I'm going to be the only person who even vaguely understands what this is I suppose an explanation is probably necessary.

The angelic creature with the sword is Commander Zilyana, an Icyene and a general in the army of Saradomin, god of order and light. The demonic creature in the fire is Nymora, one of the twin furies and a creature of Zamorak, god of chaos and darkness.

It shouldn't take a genius then (even without me explaining it) to work out that these two are pretty much mortal enemies, but also by looking at the picture you get a pretty good sense that Nymora as an entity is considerably more powerful than Zilyana, and here's where I think things get interesting.

Zilyana is me, Nymora is the year ahead, and all the stuff I'm facing. I'm not suggesting that as a person I relate particularly closely to Zilyana, because in reality I really don't, but just for a second try to put yourself in her shoes. You're faced with a foe you have no hope of defeating, but if you can't beat them they will destroy you and everything you've ever known. You could give up, running away in an attempt to save yourself but in doing so accept this fate, or you can put everything you have into taking down this adversary. What would you do? Fight, or flee?

Looking at it, the decision is obvious, you'd fight right? Well, it's one thing thinking about it, and another thing entirely to live it, and living it is exactly what I have to do now.

The thing with the impossible is that it doesn't exist, not really. No matter how bad your situation might be, there is always ALWAYS an out, a way to overcome that which holds you down. Sometimes it requires an incredible amount of courage to defeat our fear of what lies ahead, but it is through winning these unwinnable battles that we grow as people. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but that isn't the point. To borrow a quote from Lindsey Stirling: "Sometimes we have to take a step into the dark before we can see the light." 

I don't know much, but if I do know one thing, it's that although 2016 has been incredibly difficult for me as a person, 2017 is likely to be infinitely more so. I've won this battle, it's time I turned to face the next one... 

This ends now.

It's not bad, it's just not good...

Before you say anything, no I'm not talking about extreme puppets new video, because that's actually really good, and if you haven't seen it, either live on the 24th or online, you really probably should go watch it... Go on... Here's the link, you have no excuse: >_>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dM_k2tfGrQI

Anyway, onto the main post...:

So Christmas came, and as of me posting this Christmas has gone again. It's been an interesting one, because I'm not convinced it actually happened. Don't get me wrong here, it was very much Christmas, and all the typical Christmas things happened. Exchanging of presents, festive food, family, the annual puppet Christmas performance, but for whatever reason, despite all this, I was left feeling like it was just another day.

Usually at Christmas time you get a sense that it's something special, which of course it is, a great build up of nearly a month, ending with a holiday for all and a great big celebration. Even if you're reading this as a non Christian who couldn't quite frankly care less about the reason why we celebrate it and just uses it as an excuse to get presents and spend time with family it'd be hard to argue that it wasn't.

So why then do I feel like this?

Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe the weather is far too warm for it to be winter or maybe it's because I've just been so busy. Maybe I'll never know for sure, but if I had to guess I'd have said the explanation was far simpler, and arguably sadder.

In some ways, Christmas this year for me has been very much like the puppet performance we did on the morning of Christmas day. We spent 8 hours rehearsing something, which really wasn't long enough to get it sorted, and then basically hoped that we'd manage to make it work on the day. When we left it I was in a massive panic, because what we had was nowhere near the standard people expect from us. The comment I made leaving that last rehearsal? "It's not bad, it's just not good..."

In the end things ended up working out, except for the baby that missed the manger, but at least that got a laugh (It wasn't a real baby). Somehow out of the chaos we managed to find some semblance of order, and ride on the wave just long enough to never have to touch that routine again. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm glad that's over...

As for Christmas day, I feel much the same way: "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
I think the reason this is that, possibly for the first time ever, I've spent Christmas largely alone. By this I don't mean there was nobody around, or I didn't speak to anybody, because like I already said I've been very busy. What I mean is more that I've spent most of the day in my bedroom in a state of "what do I do." and I'm not really sure how I can explain that. I don't know how I feel about being home, it's nice seeing people, but it just feels like there isn't anything here for me any more... When I went to Cardiff I wanted to come home, now I can't wait to leave again. I'm stuck in a loop of not really belonging anywhere, either home or Cardiff, but with the strong sensation that I belong somewhere, I just don't know where yet...

I Blog to Forget... (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

I don't really know why I'm writing this now, it's probably a really bad idea, but I'm not sure what else I can do... The microphone on my headset is broken, which means I can't play any of my games with my friends because I can't communicate, and I'm just kinda sitting here doing nothing except thinking about things, and wallowing in a deep dark pit of despair...

I just finished reading the book "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" last night, and in many ways I can relate to the main character. (Albeit far from all the ways, I've never drunk alcohol, smoked or done any kind of illegal substances, and I don't really think about girls in that way either, for anyone who has actually read it or seen the film) It's more the way the character thinks that I can relate to. I'm going to try and not spoil it too much, but the whole book is basically a series of letters written to you, the reader, from an anonymous person who calls himself "Charlie". It's really a bit like a diary that someone has decided to show you, and it allows you to really get inside the head of the person who wrote it. Charlie has had a difficult past, and has been suffering from clinical depression, having just come out of a mental health institution to begin his first year of high school in an attempt to go back to something resembling normal life. He goes into this not knowing anybody, and has to attempt to start from scratch, making new friends and just generally trying to fit in and understand the world around him. I think this is probably why this book in particular resonated with me, because in many ways I went through the same sort of thing, albeit without the "clinical depression" part. Charlie spends a lot of time inside his own head, as do I, and so it's easy for me to appreciate how, maybe, if I had grown up in a different situation, we'd have been very similar people. I guess that's why I liked it so much.

I'd recommend the book to anybody who is curious, but with the warning that it is quite graphic in places, and I've not seen the film but the "12" rating on the DVD cover is really not reflected in what you get in the book, and really should have been at least a 15, as the book also assumes you are older than Charlie, the main character, who is 16 (it even says as much: "I'm guessing you do, since you're older") (I just looked it up and it was initially assigned an R rating in America, which was only lowered to PG-13 after an appeal). It's not a very long book, but if you are going to read it, then I will just say stick with it, it can be a bit hard to follow in some places but is definitely still worth reading.

Anyway, the reason I decided to blog about this right now, is this quote:

It's crazy, because I have all these great people surrounding me, but sometimes I feel loneliest in a crowded room, so to speak. What matters to me is not how many friends I have, what matters to me is that there are people that I can be open with, and I suppose really that's why stuff has been so difficult since I left. I left behind the people who I cared about most, and I am now in a situation where the only way I will ever be able to have people like that again in the same way is by putting myself out there and placing trust in people I've never even met yet, and that's something that I find really really difficult, and certainly don't do naturally. To ever become "Me" I not only need to break down the barriers I have built, I also actively need to be able to bring myself to actually step outside the safe place I have constructed, and that is a massive step of faith, and something I find incredibly difficult. Ever since the end of "The Exoskeleton" (which I will probably mention in a post at some point, because I know I have a lot of people reading this who won't necessarily know what that is) I have been in a position where I am now able to make this change, but it requires me to actually do something. In order to change I must go against everything I have ever known, all my principles with regard to social interaction. I can't just sit on the sidelines any more, I need to "participate" as Charlie puts it.

Up until I left, I had always been in a position where I had somewhere I could go, people I could trust and just talk to, about life, about the universe, about anything, good and bad. Over the past years the number of people I felt really comfortable around gradually decreased, as people moved on, or stuff happened, and eventually that number was just one. Leaving that person behind to go to university has been genuinely the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and life without them has been incredibly difficult, since we spent so much time together. It's not like I lost them, we're still in contact, and we still talk a lot, but we've both moved on with life, and it has taken us in different directions, and I'm stuck in a world of "what might have been if we'd never met, or if I'd done certain things differently".

I'm going to stop talking here, since it's getting kinda late, and I've never been very good at endings, particularly for stuff like this, but I will leave you with a passage from the book:

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.

Love always,
Charlie"

Forever Autumn

OK, so I'm in Keele, visiting a friend. It's a nice place, kinda out of the way and known only as "that service station on the M6." Maybe that's a good thing, and maybe it isn't. It feels like the sort of place you go to lose yourself. Not necessarily somewhere to rebuild, but a place where you can just be; without all the daily struggles and the ups and downs life brings us. It's a place you go to find peace.

I've been walking in the woods with my friend, and it really felt like we were in another world, on a carpet of fallen leaves. It reminded me of a song, from the musical version of War of the Worlds, of all things, so here it is:

Forever Autumn:

The summer sun is fading as the year grows old,
And darker days are drawing near,
The winter winds will be much colder,
Now you're not here.

I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky
And one by one they disappear,
I wish that I was flying with them
Now you're not here.

Like the sun through the trees you came to love me
Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away...

Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick our way,
You always loved this time of year
Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now
'Cause you're not here...

Like the sun through the trees you came to love me,
Like a leaf on the breeze you blew away...

A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
As if to hide a lonely tear
My life will be forever autumn,
'Cause you're not here...