Blogging > Sleeping

(I had a better title, but changed it when I put this post up at 5:30 AM)

I'm not going to pretend I'm suddenly fluent in Welsh, because that would be a lie, but given where last year took me I think it'd be wrong to not give that a bit of a shoutout by wishing everyone "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!" - "Happy New Year!" (and for anyone other than the maybe 2 welsh people reading this, that's "Blew-ith-in Ney-with Tha") (I also really hope I've not just massively embarrassed myself by trying to type it out phonetically and getting it wrong, so if you do happen to know welsh please feel free to mock me for this)

It's been a crazy wild year, and to be honest I'd be lying if I said I was sad to see it go. It was a year filled with dark depression, loneliness, the falling apart of my friendship group and secrets that damn near destroyed me, and those that were once close to me, the combination of all of those things fuelling a restlessness inside me that meant I needed to leave, to restart, to become "me". In leaving though, I managed to do the typical "me" thing and leave things unsaid, and in doing so I created a situation where it became impossible to move on. I trapped myself in the past. I guess sometimes we just meet the right people at the wrong time. I said a year ago on January 1st that I hoped 2016 would be a year to remember, and it has been, but for all the wrong reasons...

Despite all the bad stuff, I can't just let 2016 go without mentioning all the good things that happened, because whatever I might have said, it's actually been an amazing year, as far as personal growth goes. I've accomplished things this year that if you told me I'd accomplish at the start of this year I'd quite frankly have laughed at you. I managed to secure a place at university, against all odds, I've gained a huge amount of confidence (although still not as much as I wish I had), in myself and in other situations, and I've learned some really important lessons about trust, both in what I am capable of, and in the plan God has for my life and what living that life means. The bungee jump lifestyle, as Miriam Swaffield put it. Living that is terrifying, but you can't half jump off a bridge. What you get is whole life, with all it's ups and downs, or no life. You go, or you don't. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but that's not really the point. It's the path I chose to take, and that's what matters.

As a final farewell to 2016 then, I think it's only right that I end this post with what is perhaps an over done, but still good list of the five best moments of the past year, so without further ado, here it is:

5. EPMF 2016

The European Puppetry and creative Ministry Festival is an annual event where teams from all over the country gather to showcase all things puppety. It is a 2 day event packed full of workshops, competitions and performances by well known (at least in their circles) acts, the highlight of which is a one hour performance by the year's puppet academy, which is essentially "what can you do with no limits." It is always inspiring to see just what they have been able to accomplish in a short space of time, and the final performance this year was Steven Curtis Chapman's "Lord of the Dance" using a combination of blacklight, puppets and dance with dowel rods. It is my hope that I will be able to enter their ranks this year, although doing so requires me to submit a video for review performing behind an uncurtained stage, so it's a fair bet that whatever it is I do ends up on the YouTube channel, though more on that at a later date.

4. Prosecco bonding

OK, so I'd literally just moved into my halls at University, as in, I'd been there two days, but because this happened on the day the majority of people arrived I'm going to call it day one, and just go with that. Essentially one of the people in my flat brought a bottle of Prosecco, as an excuse to have us all get together and get to know one another. She didn't want to open it, not because she didn't want Prosecco, but because Prosecco is somewhat fizzy, and bottles if not handled carefully have a habit of exploding. As we found out when Rhys tried to open it... Suffice to say the clearing up of the resulting "alcohol all over the kitchen floor" situation proved to be a much better icebreaker than the alcohol itself (though I didn't have any).

3. Soul Survivor

Seriously, if I've not mentioned this to you, I don't know how the heck I've managed to avoid talking about it. While this year wasn't necessarily the best year for it, at least in my experience I did still get a huge amount out of it, and the week itself was a really powerful reminder of what it is I live for, and is the origin of the bungee jump quote (anyone who is really REALLY interested and has a while to spare can find the entire 41 minute talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLf_YbdVmoc )
Other highlights include Andy Croft "Leaving Mike in the grand canyon to die" (Wow Woe Go talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfkiyhK9hW0 ) and his quote "Nobody in the history of calming down has ever calmed down by being told to calm down"

2. New Wine

This probably seems a little backward for anyone who knows me particularly well, but yes, New Wine this year really was better than Soul Survivor, and yes, that's actually crazy, given how much I rave about how amazing Soul Survivor is. This year was my second year serving on team at the conference, working on the Stepping Stones team with 0-4s. I don't know what it is that draws me back there, it's not the sort of thing you'd expect to find me doing, but it really does make a huge difference being a part of a team like that, you always have something to do, people are really friendly, and although I'm completely terrible at social interaction being put in that situation really forces you to adapt, and to fill your role. The defining moment of the week though was the family celebration, where Stepping Stones ended up being part of a prayer ministry team at the front of the main arena for almost 2000 people. I could have run away at that point, and not shown up, but instead I decided that despite how terrified I was of the prospect I would put myself out there and see what happened. I ended up praying for a family, and it was really an exercise in trust, that I'd be given the right words to say, because anyone who knows me knows I don't do prayer out loud, but when you're in that situation you kinda have to, or the people you're praying for might feel uncomfortable or awkward. It didn't feel particularly spiritual at the time, but looking back I can see how it was, and it has really changed my perspective.

1. Teignmouth

OK, so what beats New Wine, well the answer might surprise you, or it might not depending on who you are and/or how well you know me. You may or may not be aware that I have had a very busy summer this year. Two weeks of camping, the family holiday, a good week of puppet rehearsal (in which nobody killed anybody else, amazingly), and finally this.

Essentially, I'd been trying to convince my friend Elise to come with us to Soul Survivor for quite a long time, unfortunately with no success. We'd been planning to do some kind of multi day trip for a while, but the year before our plans to go camping had fallen apart when the two other people we were trying to invite decided not to go. We had also completely failed to find any campsites which meant we didn't have much of a plan. This year however, our plans to organise something actually ended up working out. What we got was far from the camping trip we had originally planned. What we got was Teignmouth.

Although we didn't really go with a plan, those 4 days were undoubtedly the highlight of the year, and the memories I have of the trip, and the time we spent together, just as friends, are ones I will treasure forever, because with friends, it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're together.

Honourable mentions: 

• Rube Goldberg labs
• "Lionel the polar bear" (Seriously, long story, might write about it at some point)
• Results day

Anyway, as of writing this sentence it's 5:24 AM, and I really REALLY need to sleep, but I would just like to end by saying a great big massive thank you to everyone who has supported me over the past year, and all the amazing people I've met in Cardiff. You guys make life liveable, you really do.

Thank you for all the positive memories I've made of last year, despite all the bad stuff, and here's to the next one!

A countdown to the end...

No, this really isn't as ominous as the title might make it sound, or maybe it is, who knows... We're coming to the end of what for many, and not just me, has been a really difficult and challenging year.

I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to talk about "Brexit", Donald Trump, war, the refugee crisis, Harambe or any of the other well known figures we've lost this year. I'm also not going to use this as an opportunity to talk about why 2016 has been probably the most difficult year ever for me personally, since you've probably at this point gotten fed up of hearing it. Before I begin though, I do have one request. I know that most of the people reading this probably don't do this sort of thing, but I just ask that, those that do, please pray for the year ahead, for me, and for all of us, because quite frankly we're likely to need all the help we can get...

I found this picture a while back, as a winning piece of artwork in a competition, and I think it fits quite well with what I want to talk about, but because I guarantee that I'm going to be the only person who even vaguely understands what this is I suppose an explanation is probably necessary.

The angelic creature with the sword is Commander Zilyana, an Icyene and a general in the army of Saradomin, god of order and light. The demonic creature in the fire is Nymora, one of the twin furies and a creature of Zamorak, god of chaos and darkness.

It shouldn't take a genius then (even without me explaining it) to work out that these two are pretty much mortal enemies, but also by looking at the picture you get a pretty good sense that Nymora as an entity is considerably more powerful than Zilyana, and here's where I think things get interesting.

Zilyana is me, Nymora is the year ahead, and all the stuff I'm facing. I'm not suggesting that as a person I relate particularly closely to Zilyana, because in reality I really don't, but just for a second try to put yourself in her shoes. You're faced with a foe you have no hope of defeating, but if you can't beat them they will destroy you and everything you've ever known. You could give up, running away in an attempt to save yourself but in doing so accept this fate, or you can put everything you have into taking down this adversary. What would you do? Fight, or flee?

Looking at it, the decision is obvious, you'd fight right? Well, it's one thing thinking about it, and another thing entirely to live it, and living it is exactly what I have to do now.

The thing with the impossible is that it doesn't exist, not really. No matter how bad your situation might be, there is always ALWAYS an out, a way to overcome that which holds you down. Sometimes it requires an incredible amount of courage to defeat our fear of what lies ahead, but it is through winning these unwinnable battles that we grow as people. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but that isn't the point. To borrow a quote from Lindsey Stirling: "Sometimes we have to take a step into the dark before we can see the light." 

I don't know much, but if I do know one thing, it's that although 2016 has been incredibly difficult for me as a person, 2017 is likely to be infinitely more so. I've won this battle, it's time I turned to face the next one... 

This ends now.

It's not bad, it's just not good...

Before you say anything, no I'm not talking about extreme puppets new video, because that's actually really good, and if you haven't seen it, either live on the 24th or online, you really probably should go watch it... Go on... Here's the link, you have no excuse: >_>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dM_k2tfGrQI

Anyway, onto the main post...:

So Christmas came, and as of me posting this Christmas has gone again. It's been an interesting one, because I'm not convinced it actually happened. Don't get me wrong here, it was very much Christmas, and all the typical Christmas things happened. Exchanging of presents, festive food, family, the annual puppet Christmas performance, but for whatever reason, despite all this, I was left feeling like it was just another day.

Usually at Christmas time you get a sense that it's something special, which of course it is, a great build up of nearly a month, ending with a holiday for all and a great big celebration. Even if you're reading this as a non Christian who couldn't quite frankly care less about the reason why we celebrate it and just uses it as an excuse to get presents and spend time with family it'd be hard to argue that it wasn't.

So why then do I feel like this?

Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe the weather is far too warm for it to be winter or maybe it's because I've just been so busy. Maybe I'll never know for sure, but if I had to guess I'd have said the explanation was far simpler, and arguably sadder.

In some ways, Christmas this year for me has been very much like the puppet performance we did on the morning of Christmas day. We spent 8 hours rehearsing something, which really wasn't long enough to get it sorted, and then basically hoped that we'd manage to make it work on the day. When we left it I was in a massive panic, because what we had was nowhere near the standard people expect from us. The comment I made leaving that last rehearsal? "It's not bad, it's just not good..."

In the end things ended up working out, except for the baby that missed the manger, but at least that got a laugh (It wasn't a real baby). Somehow out of the chaos we managed to find some semblance of order, and ride on the wave just long enough to never have to touch that routine again. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm glad that's over...

As for Christmas day, I feel much the same way: "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
I think the reason this is that, possibly for the first time ever, I've spent Christmas largely alone. By this I don't mean there was nobody around, or I didn't speak to anybody, because like I already said I've been very busy. What I mean is more that I've spent most of the day in my bedroom in a state of "what do I do." and I'm not really sure how I can explain that. I don't know how I feel about being home, it's nice seeing people, but it just feels like there isn't anything here for me any more... When I went to Cardiff I wanted to come home, now I can't wait to leave again. I'm stuck in a loop of not really belonging anywhere, either home or Cardiff, but with the strong sensation that I belong somewhere, I just don't know where yet...

I Blog to Forget... (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

I don't really know why I'm writing this now, it's probably a really bad idea, but I'm not sure what else I can do... The microphone on my headset is broken, which means I can't play any of my games with my friends because I can't communicate, and I'm just kinda sitting here doing nothing except thinking about things, and wallowing in a deep dark pit of despair...

I just finished reading the book "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" last night, and in many ways I can relate to the main character. (Albeit far from all the ways, I've never drunk alcohol, smoked or done any kind of illegal substances, and I don't really think about girls in that way either, for anyone who has actually read it or seen the film) It's more the way the character thinks that I can relate to. I'm going to try and not spoil it too much, but the whole book is basically a series of letters written to you, the reader, from an anonymous person who calls himself "Charlie". It's really a bit like a diary that someone has decided to show you, and it allows you to really get inside the head of the person who wrote it. Charlie has had a difficult past, and has been suffering from clinical depression, having just come out of a mental health institution to begin his first year of high school in an attempt to go back to something resembling normal life. He goes into this not knowing anybody, and has to attempt to start from scratch, making new friends and just generally trying to fit in and understand the world around him. I think this is probably why this book in particular resonated with me, because in many ways I went through the same sort of thing, albeit without the "clinical depression" part. Charlie spends a lot of time inside his own head, as do I, and so it's easy for me to appreciate how, maybe, if I had grown up in a different situation, we'd have been very similar people. I guess that's why I liked it so much.

I'd recommend the book to anybody who is curious, but with the warning that it is quite graphic in places, and I've not seen the film but the "12" rating on the DVD cover is really not reflected in what you get in the book, and really should have been at least a 15, as the book also assumes you are older than Charlie, the main character, who is 16 (it even says as much: "I'm guessing you do, since you're older") (I just looked it up and it was initially assigned an R rating in America, which was only lowered to PG-13 after an appeal). It's not a very long book, but if you are going to read it, then I will just say stick with it, it can be a bit hard to follow in some places but is definitely still worth reading.

Anyway, the reason I decided to blog about this right now, is this quote:

It's crazy, because I have all these great people surrounding me, but sometimes I feel loneliest in a crowded room, so to speak. What matters to me is not how many friends I have, what matters to me is that there are people that I can be open with, and I suppose really that's why stuff has been so difficult since I left. I left behind the people who I cared about most, and I am now in a situation where the only way I will ever be able to have people like that again in the same way is by putting myself out there and placing trust in people I've never even met yet, and that's something that I find really really difficult, and certainly don't do naturally. To ever become "Me" I not only need to break down the barriers I have built, I also actively need to be able to bring myself to actually step outside the safe place I have constructed, and that is a massive step of faith, and something I find incredibly difficult. Ever since the end of "The Exoskeleton" (which I will probably mention in a post at some point, because I know I have a lot of people reading this who won't necessarily know what that is) I have been in a position where I am now able to make this change, but it requires me to actually do something. In order to change I must go against everything I have ever known, all my principles with regard to social interaction. I can't just sit on the sidelines any more, I need to "participate" as Charlie puts it.

Up until I left, I had always been in a position where I had somewhere I could go, people I could trust and just talk to, about life, about the universe, about anything, good and bad. Over the past years the number of people I felt really comfortable around gradually decreased, as people moved on, or stuff happened, and eventually that number was just one. Leaving that person behind to go to university has been genuinely the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and life without them has been incredibly difficult, since we spent so much time together. It's not like I lost them, we're still in contact, and we still talk a lot, but we've both moved on with life, and it has taken us in different directions, and I'm stuck in a world of "what might have been if we'd never met, or if I'd done certain things differently".

I'm going to stop talking here, since it's getting kinda late, and I've never been very good at endings, particularly for stuff like this, but I will leave you with a passage from the book:

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.

Love always,
Charlie"

Forever Autumn

OK, so I'm in Keele, visiting a friend. It's a nice place, kinda out of the way and known only as "that service station on the M6." Maybe that's a good thing, and maybe it isn't. It feels like the sort of place you go to lose yourself. Not necessarily somewhere to rebuild, but a place where you can just be; without all the daily struggles and the ups and downs life brings us. It's a place you go to find peace.

I've been walking in the woods with my friend, and it really felt like we were in another world, on a carpet of fallen leaves. It reminded me of a song, from the musical version of War of the Worlds, of all things, so here it is:

Forever Autumn:

The summer sun is fading as the year grows old,
And darker days are drawing near,
The winter winds will be much colder,
Now you're not here.

I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky
And one by one they disappear,
I wish that I was flying with them
Now you're not here.

Like the sun through the trees you came to love me
Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away...

Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick our way,
You always loved this time of year
Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now
'Cause you're not here...

Like the sun through the trees you came to love me,
Like a leaf on the breeze you blew away...

A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
As if to hide a lonely tear
My life will be forever autumn,
'Cause you're not here...

Existential Pie

OK, so I don't even know how this happened, but I was talking to Taz, and things got a little wierd... Just so we're clear here, I'm sharing this chat log with permission:

Existential pie, that is all.

The letter I never wrote...

What is this letter, and why did I never write it? You might ask...

If there's one thing about life I've learned so far, it's that nothing is ever easy. Growing up we all undergo change, whether it be a physical change - such as getting taller or older - or a non physical change, such as shifts in attitude. How we deal with these changes defines us, perhaps more than the changes themselves, and we encounter change every day, so what then has this got to do with a letter?

If anyone asked me, I would, I think, be able to quite easily pinpoint times in my life of particularly big change. Moving school in year 3, the transition from primary to secondary education, Soul Survivor 2012 (although maybe not outwardly), Sixth form and, you guessed it, University. This list might not necessarily be the same for everybody, but it does give a pretty good idea of what significant change can look like, and all of these things (Soul Survivor excepted) have one thing in common. Moving on.

Whenever we spend time in a place, we begin to build connections, both to the place itself and the people there. If we spend long enough somewhere, those connections can evolve into friendships, and bonds between people so strong they become a part of who we are. It is however something of a sad truth that often we don't realise how much these people mean to us until they are gone. We begin to take for granted what we have, and suddenly we have to move on, and we're just waving goodbye, having left so much unsaid, so much undone...

In a way, moving onto university, this letter was supposed to tie all that up, a kind of final goodbye in a way, so that if I never saw someone again, then at least I'd know I hadn't left any loose ends. I initially planned to do one of these for every person I was leaving behind, but as the title of this post suggests, that didn't happen, and I was instead in a situation where I had to rush writing the letters for just three people. Of those, only one actually received a letter, and he probably isn't even going to read this.

As for the other two, I guess some things are just too difficult to say sometimes... Ultimately I decided that a letter was just not necessary, as what I wanted to say was irrelevant, and I wanted to leave on good terms, but events in the past few weeks made me realise just how wrong I was keeping these things to myself. This stuff has been weighing on me ever since I left, and to be honest, I just couldn't deal with it... So I wrote the letter...

Well, one of them... I should probably clarify these are about vastly different things. Who knows if I'll ever write the other one really...

I drew this random picture, which I think quite nicely sums up what I'm trying to say, because I got sidetracked and to be honest I really don't know any more...

Most of you reading this will be able to instantly recognise Alpha and Omega, the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet, but what you might miss from looking at this picture initially is the Greek letter Delta, the symbol used to represent "change in." I suppose what I'm getting at here is that no matter who you are, or where you come from, there will always be beginnings, there will always be endings and, no matter what you may try and do to prevent it, there will always be change. Don't leave things unsaid, no matter how much you might want to or they might terrify you, because one day you may find that the person you needed to say them to isn't there any more...

"Things end, things begin. This is the way of the castle, this is the way of the world."

Born again

OK, so I was going to do something more interesting today, but to be honest, I'm just too tired to even think properly right now. Most people reading this are probably already aware, but today marks the first anniversary of my baptism, and as such I felt it would be only right to blog about it. It wasn't the point I'd have said I became a Christian, but it was the point at which I was able to publicly make a commitment, and actually share what I believe with other people, and as such was a massive step on my faith journey. The past year has been, without a doubt, (and somewhat ironically) one of the most difficult years of my life, I've been in and out of depression, watched my closest friends fall out and others drift apart, all gradually becoming more and more isolated. I've retreated back inside myself, free from the bonds that were once on me, but still moulded in the shape they left me in. Perhaps the hardest thing I've done though was moving to university, leaving behind everything I have ever known and loved, and my closest friend. Even though I know it's where I'm meant to be, it's been really rough trying to settle. Sometimes we just don't know how much something means to us until we don't have it any more...

Anyway, I figured I'd share "The Exoskeleton" testimony from my baptism service, because many people reading this won't have seen it before, and I can't really think of a better way to mark the event right now, and maybe, just maybe, it's helpful to someone...


- The Exoskeleton - My testimony: November 22nd 2015 -

I have been going to church all my life, and was at the church at home for fifteen years, ever since we moved to there, but it wasn't until much more recently that I would say I truly began my journey. I used to come to church for one reason, and one reason only: Sunday School (you know, that thing they now call Sunday club now?). I must confess I had very little interest in the actual content of the sessions, I just went because it was a place where we did fun stuff and where I had friends. At one point I actually started refusing to go to church unless the group was on, so for a good period of time I missed all of the all age services. Upon moving up to the group now called Extreme, however, the focus switched somewhat away from the fun side to much more of the serious side, and it was then I began trying to work out exactly what I thought about God. Actually, I think the point I began this journey was in a P&R lesson in year 7, where we were learning about Thiests, Athiests and Agnostics, and the teacher asked us to stand where we thought we would put ourselves. It was at that moment my 11 year old self realised he had absolutely no idea, and resolved to do something about that situation, one way or another...

Two years later, youth homegroup happened.

Youth homegroup presented me with an opportunity I had so long desired, the ability to talk about faith openly with people in a safe environment, and it was through this I was first introduced to the thing that by far has been the biggest turning point of my life - Soul Survivor

Anyone who has had this conversation with me knows that I consider Soul Survivor 2012 to be BY FAR the best week of my life. If you haven't had this conversation with me, or if you have and need a comparison, it would be approximately equivalent to Mt. Everest, where the next best thing in my life was Wittenham clumps. There's nothing quite like it on the planet. It's an experience that in a single night completely changed everything I thought I knew, because things happened that week that I cannot now, and never will be able to explain, and it is what kick started the chain of events leading to this moment...

Skip forward another couple of years, to April 2014, and the situation I found myself in was completely different. Caught up in exam stress things began to go downhill, massive amounts of pressure, coursework deadlines and revision began to get to me, and while nothing changed externally I began to spend much more time deep in thought. In August 2014 I began recording these thoughts in the notes section of my iPod, which helped greatly, because it was almost like talking to another person, but without the other person.

Moving up into sixth form in September 2014 affected me a lot. Even ignoring the completely new attitude, increased workload and more quote on quote "Free time" than I had any idea what to do with a lot changed, despite the location, organisation and actual teachers largely remaining unchanged. It wasn't so much any of that as the fact that one of my good friends Will Annells left to do an apprenticeship, and with Will gone the friendship group I had once been a part of began to drift apart. The result of this was that I began spending a considerable amount of time on my own at school, and in an environment where connections matter this had a huge negative impact. This was not helped by the sudden massive jump in expectations of teachers, on top of the generally more challenging work being set, and combined with all the other things on my mind at the time (none of which I'm going to go into right now, because we'd be here all day) I began to be pushed towards a state that can only really be described as depression. Retreating inside my own head, trying to collect my thoughts.

Partly due to this, and partly because I thought it would be interesting, in April 2015, I began to write the story that is now called "The Exoskeleton". The idea was to post it on my Facebook page, and see what people thought about it, as well as provide a point of discussion for those interested as to what on earth it could possibly be. The answer to that question is actually rather simple. The Exoskeleton is a tale of the past seven years of my life. While nothing in it can necessarily be taken literally due to the fact I have used creative license, every post I made is based off something that actually happened. It is a story of how I put up barriers to protect myself, but then how those very barriers became my prison. The story ends on the 15th of August 2015, when I am finally able to overcome the barrier at Soul Survivor, but to understand that properly we have to break chronology and go back a bit...

The main problem was that the barriers I had put up were so strong they not only protected the stuff inside me, but made it so that it couldn't change. This made adjusting to my new situation nigh on impossible, since the barriers were quite literally immovable, and ultimately anything I tried to do to break them down ended up hurting me more than helping. I guess it would be comparable to being trapped in a giant impregnable bubble. I therefore needed help. I needed the key to the future. The only thing that could get me out.

Finding the key proved to be easy, as by the time I realised I needed it I'd already found it. Using it to open the door proved to be far more difficult, as it required actually stepping through what had once been an impenetrable wall. Stepping out in front of around 10,000 people to break through was no easy task, particularly since I had to go first, but the moment I did I knew I'd made the right decision. Standing there, in that position, the numbers were irrelevant. What mattered was I had finally found the courage to make a commitment publicly, in front of people I cared about, as well as complete strangers. I had finally escaped. I was free, and I was alive!

- Thank you. -

Belonging

This is one of my favourite pictures of Cardiff so far, taken from just by the students union it may not be obvious exactly why at first, but if you look closely, in the background you can just about see the tower building of University hall. I like it because it really puts things into perspective, what you see in between where I am and that tower building is literally my life. Where I am, where I wake up, where I sleep, where I eat, where I go to buy food, where I walk up the hill I'm forever complaining about. Everything in my life can be fitted into this one picture, and that's crazy. What you see here is my home, and yet, I still don't really feel like I belong here...

It got me thinking though, what is it really that makes us actually belong... anywhere?

Belonging is a weird concept, usually, and often wrongly, used synonymous with acceptance. It's really easy to think that to belong means that you fit in, and while this is often true and certainly can help it is by no means the only way for somebody to belong somewhere.

To me I guess, belonging is about finding somewhere you can connect with, but in particular people you can connect with, and for me Cardiff is not really that place. Not yet at least...

Don't get me wrong, I've met some amazing people here, and I've got some good friends. I'm even beginning to like the city a bit more now! But to be honest nothing has really happened. I don't go places because the people I've met either don't go or are busy all the time with other things, so I've spent most of my time stuck in my hall on my computer and as a result not really gotten to know anybody else outside of my flat (Alan and Paradeisa being the two main exceptions). I'm therefore effectively stuck in a strange city, alone with nobody to turn to. I'm not sure I'd call it being homesick - there are definitely things about home I miss, but (and don't take this the wrong way) on balance they're outweighed by things I don't miss - I needed to leave. It just kinda feels empty, like I've left a void open inside me I can't ever hope to fill...

Surely then, the solution is to go back home...? Well... here's where it gets complicated.

Going home isn't going to solve any of my problems. I've been home twice since I came here. Once on my second week because of a really bad case of fresher's flu, and once after EPMF 2016, because I thought it would be a good opportunity to go and see people, and get some proper food and sleep (good decision). Both those times though, I came to the same conclusion. I simply don't belong there any more.

Why? Well the main reason for this, I guess is that despite it still being the place I call home, there is really nothing left there for me. It feels like all my close friends have left, and going home loses all meaning if you don't have people to go home to. I've still got friends back home, (Hi Taz and members of Extreme! Please don't take this the wrong way) but these are people I don't see all that often, and usually only when around others, and the phrase "I feel loneliest in a crowd of people" pretty much sums that up. I'm an introvert, number of friends doesn't matter to me, closeness of friends is everything (and no offence meant to anybody now here from this, you're still definitely friends). Connections like this take years to build, and I've only really been in Cardiff on a timescale of weeks, so I suppose it's hardly surprising that things feel really difficult at the moment, but I guess I just have to deal with it.

So if I don't belong at home, and I don't belong here, then where do I belong...? To be honest, I really have no idea. Maybe I'm just destined to float away like a helium baloon that hasn't been tied down, or maybe I'll be blown around for a bit before finding somewhere to take root, but who knows. I think coming here was definitely still the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier...

I guess I'll end this post for today with a song, which I first heard 8 years ago now, but only recently understood the meaning of: 

Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park

When this began, I had nothing to say, and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.

I was confused and I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind.

Inside of me, but all the vacancy, the words revealed, is the only real thing that I've got left to feel.

Nothing to lose. Just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own.

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong...

And I've got nothing to say, I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face.

I was confused, looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

So what am I, what do I have but negativity, 'cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me

Nothing to lose, nothing to gain, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything till I break away from me

And I will break away, I'll find myself today...

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong

Fireworks (and the big red reset button that didn't work)

Wow... What is this...? TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY?!?!?!

Well... not quite, technically it's after midnight, so I messed that one up, oh well (never mind it got to 3 am and I wasn't finished so I gave up and finished it later on on the 6th (well the 7th, since it was past midnight, again...) but this is written as if it were the 5th, so please treat it as such for my sake and yours...)

I've not done much today, I woke up at 1 in the afternoon and kinda sat in my room for a while, eating chocolate digestives. At some point (far too soon) it got dark, and I was left wondering where my day had gone. At about 7 oclock I realised I was kinda hungry, and because I'd run out of potato waffles I decided I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I ordered pizza, and really I've spent the entire day in my room.

As most of you are no doubt aware though, it's bonfire night. I'm not usually one to go out and watch fireworks, but tonight I guess you can say I made half an exception. One of the very few positives about living in University Hall is the fact that because its at the top of a hill you get amazing views of the city. On this particular night this meant that from my bedroom I was able to watch every firework display in Cardiff! All at once! This made for quite a spectacular evening in, even with the tree in the way. I had pizza, I had time to myself and I had whatever firework display I wanted to watch, all without having to leave my room! What more could I ask for? (aside from friends, a life, and the removal of THAT STUPID TREE... I'm rambling now ignore me...)

Unsurprisingly though, at least for anyone who knows me, this got me thinking. The thing at which my thoughts were directed? Fireworks, but specifically Katy Perry's song - Firework. (Go on judge me I'm past caring at this point..)

This song has a lot of memories associated with it, I'm not exactly sure why in some cases, but I guess it came from a time in my life when a lot of significant things happened, so it kinda got stuck in my head. If I were making a list of songs which held meaning to me beyond the song itself, this would definitely be up there at the top, only trailing behind Take That's "Shine" and possibly Lindsey Stirling's "Beyond the veil" (and if you don't know either of those songs, you really REALLY should go listen to them).

"Firework" was released in mid 2010, which on a timeline puts it somewhere near the end of my year 7 or the begining of year 8, and while at the time I appreciated the song for its melody and uplifting lyrics, it wasn't until year 9 that the song would come to have a special sort of significance. 2012 was a year I'm never likely to forget. If it wasn't the most eventful year of my life so far then it was certainly the most impactful. Even ignoring the olympics (which I didn't go to see but did still enjoy watching on TV). The events of 2012 were without question the most significant events in my life, but the thing that connects this song to that year in my mind was not one of these significant events, far from it. This song is connected to 2012 by the uniform project.

OK. I realise at this point I probably need a bit of background. Essentially what happened is that my school decided: "Hey, we don't like our logo or our uniform, it looks too boring and dark, so how about we get our kids to design new ones?"

You can probably imagine how this went... The school brought in professional designers to "help" us, who then basically decided that all our ideas were terrible and would never work, so ignored us and designed a new uniform without any of our input, while claiming we'd done all the work. Unsurprisingly then, we were left with six potential designs what were equally as dull and boring as what we'd started with, but with jumpers that were itchy and had a new logo on. Of course the school then decided to put these designs to a vote, but before they could do that, they needed a physical version of each design to be modelled by students at a reveal event. Committed as I was to the cause, and because I was fed up of being useless, I volunteered to do it...

Of course, what do they do? they set up a fasion show and make me go out first... Anyone who knows me knows I couldn't care less about fasion, and I'm completely clueless when it comes to fasion shows, so I was perhaps understandably nervous when not only did I have to go out first, I also had to wear the burgundy blazer, by far the worst of the six options. Anyway, the song they brought us out to? Katy Perry's Firework. One by one we emerged from behind the curtain, walked to the front of the stage then turned around and walked back again to stand at the back. When the music stopped all six of us were left standing there awkwardly while the designers answered questions about things they clearly didn't understand and hadn't bothered to research beforehand, such as "is it machine washable?" The lack of preparation on their part was quite frankly embarressing, for us and for them, and the outcome of the uniform project was an embaressment to the school. We went from "black jumper" to "smaller black jumper with new logo that is itchy" at which point they stopped saying "look at us we're great we involve students in our new uniform" and just quietly moved on and pretended nothing had happened.

I suppose that's the reason that song is cemented in my memory... Nevertheless though, despite all the bad associations with the uniform project, it brings me back to one of my lifes high points, (and there aren't many of those) so for that reason I suspect it will always have a special place in my heart.

The other reason this song holds meaning for me is the lyrics, which resonated with me, both then and now. If you already know the song then feel free to skip this part, it's likely going to massively increase the length of this post without really adding a whole lot, but here they are:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards one blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no-one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you,
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
You don't have to feel like a waste of space, you're original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time you'll know
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
Boom Boom Boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon
It;s always been inside of you you you, and now it's time to let it through
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah...

Fireworks are, by definition, big, bright, loud and obvious. They light up the night sky around them before fading into nothingness, leaving us wondering just what happened. They're amazing to watch, but at the same time their immense power is terrifying, if handled the wrong way, these fireworks can cause massive damage to anything around them, either by blowing up in our faces or from resulting debris.

In a way, people are a bit like fireworks, although it is a sad sad truth that many of them will never realise this. We all have the potential to be something so much more than we actually are, but if we can never find a spark to ignite this potential, we will sit around for our whole lives as nothing more than components, a fraction of what we could have been.

I worry, particularly recently, that I'm losing my spark. Going to university was supposed to, in some ways, be a big red reset button for my life, letting me leave behind everything bad that was troubling me and allowing me to focus on becoming my own person, the one that God wants me to be. In reality though, I spend just as much time alone isolated from the world in my room now as I did before, if not more, and I can't imagine that's the reason I've been sent here, it just doesn't make sense. I came here to recreate myself, but instead I'm becoming more of the thing I hated, the thing I tried to leave behind, a lonely, socially awkward hermit.

Maybe that's all there is, but I don't believe for one second that my entire life is supposed to be like that. Trouble is, just because I know there is more doesn't make it any easier to deal with it right now. It feels a bit like I've tried to plant my roots but they just haven't taken and now the entire plant is suffering. The spark I had is getting dimmer as slowly but surely I am losing access to the fuel that feeds it.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose what I'm asking for is support. While I'm a lot more settled now than I was before, it's beginning to feel like I'm never going to "belong" here. It's a bit hard to explain, but I guess in some ways it still just kinda feels like I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people, but it still doesn't really feel like I've made any meaningful connections with anybody. Yes, there are people I get along with, and people I'd say I'm friends with. Alan, Paradeisa and the people from my flat, but it still feels like I don't really KNOW anybody, and that makes it really difficult to feel truly at home here.

I realise this is probably a bit of a big ask, but if there's anyone I know personally who is reading this who is even vaguely considering a trip down to Cardiff, then I'd love to see you, at this point I kinda just want to see a familiar face, someone I can talk to and go wandering around the city with (and don't take this personally, but I'm not really talking about direct family here, though obviously you'd be just as welcome, it's just that I see you anyway!). Heck, if you wanted to stay for a weekend that could probably be arranged, though I'd have to clear my room first, and there certainly isn't room for more than one person!

Aside from that, any thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated, it's a bit of a weird situation I find myself in, and I figure if anyone can help then God can. I mean, he's the reason I'm here in the first place...

Thank you to everyone back home, and those who aren't back home but know me well enough to be thinking of me, it means a lot even just that you care enough about me to read this far in my blog, which is honestly a massive achievement, since half the time I can't stand reading my own writing (though it's not as bad as listening to my own voice). I have no idea when my next post is going to be, but they are probably going to be less frequent from here on out, so for that I can only apologise, but I can't always find inspiration for stuff to write about. If something does appear I'll probably take some time to put it in a blog post, but I can't force inspiration. so I guess we'll just see how it goes. I hope everything is OK for you reading this, and that you are able to find your spark, no matter how hidden it may be, it's there.

May whatever happens lead us to where we're meant to be...

Prifysgol Caerdydd - The review that took four weeks to write...

Before we say anything, I've realised that there are some of you reading this who aren't connected to me on social media, so won't have seen pictures of my hall. Because of this I have decided to create a new blog page to upload all the images that just don't really fit anywhere else, you can find these at http://entityimages.blogspot.co.uk/ But without further ado, onto the main post!

28 days in, it finally happened. I was woken up by a fire alarm. At 7:30 in the morning... Admittedly I needed to wake up about then anyway in order to be able to be ready to catch a bus to my lecture, but nonetheless, being suddenly and brutally dragged out of sleep by the fire alarm was not the way I had hoped to go about things. Needless to say however, it proved incredibly effective. After throwing on my dressing gown and walking outside barefoot in the cold, the residences team told us it was the yearly "Trial run" to make sure we knew what to do and where to go, so it's not even like the alarm was set off by a student.

Anyway, I wrote the first part of this a week ago (3 weeks ago), and got sidetracked, so to be honest I don't really remember where it was going, It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened. Assignments have been handed in and returned to me, and I've had 3 sessions of labs which I'm yet to even mention. My first piece of lab work that counts for anything was returned to me as 55%, which if it counted towards a degree classification (it doesn't) would be a mid 2:2. Not too bad considering I still feel like I just got here, and it's well above the pass mark at 40%, so for the moment at least I'm happy with it. Everything else seems to be averaging at 60-70%, looking at my gradebook, although I'm still waiting on marks from some stuff, so it seems to be fairly positive, and I'm just about managing to keep up with the work I'm being set, so I guess that's good. Who knows really?

Oh, and at this point I should probably clarify that I am not in fact learning welsh, despite the title of this post, living in wales you tend to pick up stuff. I've now been here for 5 weeks, and it still feels like I moved in yesterday, but I figured I've probably now been here long enough to write a pros and cons list for things I like and dislike about the university so far, in case there is anyone who is considering applying here or applied here or knows someone who has/is planning to. I'm also happy to answer any questions people might have regarding my own experience of university so far, so feel free to contact me, or get someone who knows me to contact me, and failing either of those things I'm under the impression there's a comments section somewhere on this blog, so by all means put questions there. Without further ado though, I present to you: The pros and cons of my 5 weeks in Cardiff!

   Pros:

• Locals here are really friendly, it's not uncommon to end up in a conversation with someone while waiting to cross the road, and this really helps with settling in
• Students I've spoken to are also friendly, though a significant number of them appear to be drunk 90% of the time, so if you get over that it's fine? I guess?
• Cardiff feels like a really safe place to be. I've never been in a situation where I've been worried about getting somewhere, and that takes a lot of pressure off when you're still settling.
• University buildings are surprisingly easy to navigate. While its true that some of them can be like mazes, buildings I've needed to navigate have been numbered intuitively, so if you know what room your lecture is in it is really easy to get there. The only exception here is that the ground floor is denoted by 0, which can be a bit confusing at first, but really isn't a big deal once you know about it.
• Cardiff has pretty good bus links to places, so if you need to get somewhere from the city centre you almost certainly can. Cardiff bus also offer a free, pay as you go iff card for travelling on the buses, so you can pre pay your bus fare and not have to worry about finding change
• Lots of student support, pretty much the entirety of Park Place is dedicated to students, so everything you could ever need is in one place
• University hall is a really nice place, once you get over the fact it looks like a prison, and is on top of a rather large hill, so you get amazing views out over the city, especially at night.
• Uni hall has a free, hourly study bus, so getting to lectures in the morning is relatively easy
• Living by yourself gives you absolute total freedom over your routine, if you want to go and do something, (within reason and the confines of law) you probably can. If you want to eat you can eat (if you have food) and if you want to sleep or go out you can sleep or go out.

   Cons (University specific) :

• My halls of residence are literally miles away from the university itself (2 mile walk). There are halls which are much closer, but as I applied as an insurance applicant I got stuck with whatever was left
• My halls of residence are at the top of a huge hill, need I say more?
• Cardiff University RESLAN is a pain to set up, and for the first couple of weeks would frequently disconnect my devices from the internet for no reason, though is working fine now. If you're considering coming here then make sure you have a lot of mobile data just in case.
• Uni hall bus has driven past as I've been walking out of the building more times than I care to admit (4 times to be exact), and because of the timings I probably miss the bus back 4 days in every 5. I then have 3 options: Pay £1.30 for a bus, wait an hour for the next free bus or walk back, and its a 40 minute walk up a huge hill...
• Living in uni hall makes 9 am lectures torture, as you have to wake up at 7:30 to get ready on time to catch the bus.
• Cardiff bus is incredibly unreliable. I spent half an hour today (who knows when today is at this point) waiting for a 52 bus up to my hall, only for the 52 bus I was on to be overtaken by another 52 bus going in the same direction

   Cons (General) :

• I'm convinced sleep is not something that exists as a student. This is likely the case wherever you're going though, so isn't really a point against Cardiff as much as a point against university generally.
• Fire alarms, they suck, although living in Nevern is quite good, as 7 weeks in I am yet to be around when it has been set off by a student, it's never fun when they test them and you have to work out whether or not you actually have to evacuate
• If you don't buy or cook food, you don't have food, I found this out the hard way when I realised the only food I had was chocolate biscuits. (not REALLY the hard way, but hey!)
• No money, well... I should say, lots of money, but a very tight budget, once you account for rent. It's all too easy to think "I have lots of student loan money" and spend it all before your rent needs to be paid. Your money needs to last!

   General points, good and bad :

• I've been genuinely surprised how easy it has been for me to share the fact I'm a Christian with those people I speak to
• I got onto this course with grades lower than most clearing applicants, and while there's nothing wrong with that necessarily as it's really now irrelevant, every time I mess up or don't understand something it just makes me feel even more like I don't really deserve to be here. It's a weird situation, but there will absolutely be stuff you don't understand, no matter what degree course you choose to do, and keeping on top of it can be difficult, but is also incredibly important

I'm sorry this took so long to write, I kept getting sidetracked and not knowing how I wanted to finish it, I was never exactly happy with the ending. I decided to leave it here for now, as its honestly just been far too long, and I'm not really sure what else there is to say. It's been a while, I've not killed myself yet, and yeah, that's about it. Who knows when my next post is going to be... 

It's the little things...

OK, so it's been 2 weeks...

Oops...

By this point, some of you are probably wondering what I've been doing. Some of you have probably given up all hope that I'm ever going to post again, and most of you probably couldn't care less, but whatever. It's been 2 weeks, stuff's happened, I don't even remember what I put in my last post, so sorry if some stuff here gets repeated, but just a quick summary of "stuff I been doin.":

• Caught "Fresher's flu"
• Got so sick I went home
• Broke my record for most sleep in a night (12 hours)
• Broke my record for least sleep in a night (3 hours)
• Wrestled with Cardiff university "Eduroam" network after my tablet would not connect
• Decided I hate labs and everything it stands for (again)
• Missed assignment deadlines due to overcomplicated computer system
• Run out of food (twice)
• Been sent back to uni with almost out of date milk which then needed to be thrown out
• Attempted to write blog posts several times but never had anything to write about
• Realised 2 weeks have passed and I've not posted

So yeah, that's you mostly caught up on what I've been doing for the past 2 weeks, it's really not very interesting, but for some reason there are people who want to know, so hey, who am I to deny them that?

One thing I haven't mentioned though: Churches. 

So far I've been to two. Cardiff Vineyard and River City. 

Ruth and Adam came down two weeks ago now to "do church in Cardiff" and honestly, I was very grateful that I know people who would come all this way just to make sure I'm OK. I'd been making excuses to try and get out of going, but you can't exactly turn down people prepared to drive for 2 hours to make sure you have a church connection, so I went.

We ended up in Cardiff Vineyard, as the closest church to Uni Hall, and it seemed like quite a nice place. At a guess I'd say there were about 150 people, so it was quite nice as it wasn't too big. After the service they had a student lunch, and anyone who's been to university knows free food is good. We played mind games, and ate food, and talked about random stuff, and it turns out that there is someone from Christ Church Abingdon who goes to vineyard, not that I can remember their name, or knew them before, but hey, small world right? 

Of course, Zoe was the main attraction of the student lunch, since random toddler in the middle of students stands out a bit, but hey. My verdict on Vineyard? Pretty good, and definitely somewhere I could settle, but not necessarily a place I want to settle without trying others first.

Which brings me to today.

So, I skipped a week because I was ill and at home, but the trip to Vineyard made me resolve to try and find a church to settle in, so this morning I set an alarm for 8:30, dragged myself out of bed and walked all the way down to the union for the church walk. I was supposedly meeting Jordan, but as I later found out he was asleep until 3 in the afternoon, so that didn't happen, but after trying to contact him 4 separate times and receiving no response I decided to abandon what little fragments of a plan I had and just go to a random church, so I loaded up my Fusion student linkup app and was looking at church locations, and then I saw the message from River city. The River city student rep looked kinda lonely at the time, so I decided to go with them see what it was like.

River City is a really small church, about 30-40 people, they are very informal, which I liked, and they have a start time of 10:30, but actually start closer to 11, giving people plenty of time to get there and get settled. Good news, since it's a 45 minute walk from my hall. The church has a really nice atmosphere, despite not being very big, and even not having its own building (meeting in the music college), and I suspect I might go back there at least once, if not to stay there.

I've been thinking, both today, and for a while now, that sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest impact on us. Admittedly, if you were to ask me I'd have said the most impactful thing that has happened to me was Soul Survivor 2012, and that isn't exactly small, quite the opposite in fact, but since then I've come to realise that God can be there at least as much in the little things as he is in the big. I went to both New Wine and Soul Survivor this year, and if you were to ask me which one had the bigger impact I'd have actually told you New Wine. While it's not technically a smaller event (there were 14,000 people on site at one point) the way its set up means that at no point everyone is together, so a lot of the meetings are quite a bit smaller. On top of this, I actually went to New Wine on the stepping stones team, (Hence the abundance of stepping stones t-shirts, for any of my flat mates that got this far on my blog).

I've just realised that I've been trying to write this post for 10 hours, and I can't work out exactly how to phrase what I wanted to say, so honestly, I'm just gonna give up at this point, it can't really be expressed as words on a screen. If anyone wants to know exactly what's going through my head, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to express it, but I can try and explain it at some point if I see you in person. Sorry for the abrupt ending, I just don't know where I'm going.

Oh, one thing I can tell you though. I'm going to EPMF 2016! I wasn't sure it was going to be possible, but I've managed to find trains at sort of the right times, so more on that when details are confirmed, but it's something to look forward to.

Worst day ever...?

OK, I caught "Fresher's flu" and it sucks. Sore throat, aches and pains, drowziness and a constant feeling of being cold no matter how many layers I put on. I've not eaten much for the past few days, partly because I haven't been hungry and partly because theres no food in my cupboard to eat, feeling as ill as I am I don't want to leave my bedroom, so the whole thing is a viscous circle spiralling down and down.

Freshers flu by itself would be bad enough, but today, for the first time ever, my alarm failed me.
I had a lecture scheduled for 9 AM, my first one ever at the university. What time do I wake up? 9:20...

The first thing I noticed was that I wasn't as tired waking up as I had expected myself to be, that should have prepared me, but no. I looked at the clock and I saw 9:20. Not only had I massively overslept (the plan was to wake up at 7:30) but I had just 10 minutes to wake up, get ready and actually catch the bus!

For any of you who aren't aware, I'm not exactly particularly close to the physics building, so to illustrate the extent of the problem here's a picture:

Essentially, the Cardiff School of Physics and Astronomy, where I was headed, is a 45 minute walk from my halls. Being in uni hall we get a free study bus, but it's hourly, which means that if you miss it, you're in serious trouble. At the absolute earliest, I was going to arrive at the physics building at about 5 past 10, not only missing the first lecture but also the first part of the second lecture. Not a good start to my time at university.

Labs today was an absolute nightmare. While theoretically it should have been interesting, trying to determine the drag coefficient of air using muffin cases, the lab just dragged on and on and on... I had an awful headache all through the session, and my entire body ached. By the end of the 3 hours I seriously wanted to just go to a corner and sleep for the rest of time. On top of all this, when you have just taken 100 measurements for the time taken for a muffin case to reach the floor, it's totally utterly soul destroying to discover that you've plotted a graph on the wrong scale, using the wrong variables which you accidentally made a mistake in calculating.

To top it all off though, the lab finished at just after 4. The bus back to my hall left the Trevithick building at 4 exactly, and, as I think I've already mentioned, it's an hourly bus. I was therefore left stuck in the rain, without a coat, as in my rush to leave in the morning I had neglected to bring one, forced to pay £1.80 for a bus fare or walk. (I chose the former)

Oh, and did I mention I have no food?

Today was not a good day...

It's Complicated...

So it's been a few days since I last posted, and I figured I had to do something about that, to give a quick run down on the past few days before I get properly into this post, since last posting I have:

• Finished inductions
• Been assigned a personal tutor and student mentor
• Picked the optional modules "Engaging Physics" and "Planet Earth"
• Averaged about 5 hours sleep, mostly my own fault
• Read two thirds of the book "Cupcakes, Trinkets and Other Deadly Magic" (Thanks Taz!)
• Gained nearly 16 million firemaking experience on the game RuneScape (equivalent to about 18/19 hours play time, don't judge me...)
• Achieved Silver V on League of Legends, 3 years late...
• Met fellow physics student Alan for Coffee (Hot Chocolate)
• Cooked 4 meals, and then subsequently run out of food in the cupboard, but not died
• Joined the Chaos society, and then somehow managed to not make it to any of their events
• Been kept up until almost 4 AM by flat mates singing in the kitchen
• Spent 5 hours doing labs prep, and decided I hate uncertainties and everything they stand for
• Thought of about 3 or 4 blog posts, and then not posted them
• Met up with Ruth, Adam and Zoe
• Gone to a random church, Cardiff Vineyard, which probably won't be the only church I visit but is definitely somewhere I feel I could settle, and will probably return to at least once
• Survived freshers week without consuming alcohol!

Last but not least, I think I've decided that life here is not so bad! I've met some great people here, (Alice wanted a mention, but all my flat mates are great really. And everyone else I've spoken to!) and despite being in a flat of 11 as one of the most socially awkward, introverted people you're ever likely to meet I think I'm doing all right, which is the complete opposite of the panic attacks of just over a week ago right now. If anything I think having more people around is better, because there's always someone around in the kitchen to talk to when cooking and stuff, although I don't spend a whole lot of time there, and when I do I make the most boring unadventurous food you can think of (plain pasta with breaded chicken) but that really isn't the point.

Anyway, with that out of the way, you might be starting to wonder... "What's complicated"

The honest answer really is, everything, but the specific thing I'm talking about here is the question of my faith, how I present it and how other people see it. 

(On a side note, the purpose of this post is not to try and convert anybody, it is to share something that has been on my mind now for months, and I apologise if it comes across that way)

At this point, at least 3 different people have asked me the question "Are you religious?" 

My Answer? "It's complicated..."

I will now try and explain what I mean by this, but as a warning, I've not worked out exactly how to explain it yet, so sorry if it is difficult to follow or inadvertently offends somebody. When I say "It's complicated" what I am not trying to do is hide the fact I have a faith. I am a Christian, I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus died and was raised so that through his death we might live. I realise any non Christians reading this will probably think I'm some sort of crazy person for believing this, but heck, I'm going to put this on my blog anyway, so go ahead and call me crazy, there are many other things I do which are equally as crazy (Just to give an example, I now have 9,260 hours logged on the game RuneScape, which equates to well over a year spent logged in). But I'm getting sidetracked...

So yes, I'm a Christian, and I try to be open about it. I'm not as open about it as I would like to be, but if someone asks me I no longer try and hide the fact, but am I religious? To the person asking the question, yes, I am. I believe in God, so therefore I must be religious, right...?

Actually, I would have told you otherwise, and this is where it gets complicated. I've never liked the word "religion" I always feel like it is far too nonspecific, and conveys the wrong ideas. To me, a religion is something to be followed religiously, something with rules and regulations which must be adhered to in order to achieve something better. When an atheist hears the word religion, this is immediately what they think of, and what are rules and regulations to be followed if not a chore. Religion to an atheist sounds like something dull, something they don't want any part of.

Christianity to me is the exact opposite of these things. Instead of being bound to a certain code of practice, having to work your way to enlightenment, we have instead been freed, so that we may have life to the full, now and always. Being a Christian is not a chore, far from it! It's an invitation to the best party ever! There were always going to be ups, and there were always going to be downs, and nobody said it was going to be easy, but it's life to the full, and as Miriam Swaffield put it: "you can't half jump off a bridge" You can stand there, on the edge, attached to the bungee cord and never committing to the jump, or you can take the risk and experience all life has to offer.

Now, having compared being a Christian to a bungee jump, you can probably tell why I wouldn't call myself a religious person. No religion I know of gets followers to jump off bridges attached to bungee cords for no reason other than because it's a vaguely terrifying yet at the same time fun experience. It just doesn't fit together in anybodies heads.

I think sometimes Christianity gets a bit of a bad rep, from street preachers and the like saying you will go to hell if you don't repent and confess your sins. All that people like that are ever likely to achieve is alienating people who are non believers. It's partly for this reason that I prefer to communicate my faith through my actions, rather than shoving it down peoples throats. A kind action for Jesus will go a lot further than a few words. It's for this reason it may seem like I'm hiding my faith at times. I don't want to force anything on anybody, because ultimately it's their decision, not mine, and it's meaningless if you're not able or willing to live by it.

Honestly I don't know how to end this, so I suppose it's going to be a bit abrupt, but if anyone wants to talk about literally anything related to my faith, or even just random other stuff I'll try and be around, just don't try and contact me at ridiculous o'clock!

Circles

Today consisted of a lot of circles.

Our induction today included an IOP mechanics survey, which supposedly is so they can get an idea of the sort of level we're at at the end of A level. It was essentially 30 multiple choice mechanics questions, for no purpose other than collecting anonymous information. Anyway, it had a lot of circles on it, both circular motion questions and circles to fill in on the answer sheet in response. When that was done I went on a round trip to KFC, since I had been planning to be back at uni hall for lunch, but realised I wouldn't be, and it just happened to be a conveniently placed source of food. (No, I do not plan on doing that regularly, lunch cost me more than my entire daily food budget)

When I got back to the Trevithick building we had a short talk about student mentors, and then were assigned mentor groups, the idea being that while we're here we have someone to go to who isn't a member of staff, so we can relate to them a bit better, and not feel intimidated. My mentor is a guy called Lewis, who seems nice (although I have to say that because he is quite possibly reading this, Lewis, I'm sorry if I just offended you by adding this bracket, and now I'm in a hole and I'm keeping on digging in the vague hope that one day I might get out the other side... Don't judge me...). In all seriousness though, it's nice to know that there is someone like that I can go to if I'm struggling. Settling in so far has been pretty tough, although now I'm getting to know people a bit better it's not so bad. I've not really made many connections with people on my course so far, because even though I have a group chat for physics people, I don't recognise anybody, and anybody who knows me knows I'm terrible at initiating conversations. (Again, sorry if anyone from said group chat is offended by this). So far I've spoken to about 5 physicists, 3 for more than about 5 minutes, and one of those 3 I'm living with, so it was inevitable.

Anyway, back to circles, so I finished the mentor session at 14:25 and realised the uni hall bus wasn't going to appear for at the least half an hour. Having nothing better to do, I decided to walk to the SU to kill some time and get on the bus sooner, at which point I reallised that the societies fair was today. Of course, by this point it was quarter to 3, and the bus was due to arrive in 5 minutes, so I didn't really have time to look around much. I certainly wasn't convinced I wanted to spend an hour by myself at the union if I missed the bus, so I sent a message to my flat group chat asking if anyone was down at the union, then after receiving no response got on the bus back to uni hall. Of course at this point Michael from my flat sends a message saying he wants to come down to the union, so I made the decision to get the bus straight back down from uni hall. Unbeknownst to me, as I had got on the bus to go back to my halls, Leonie had just got off the exact same bus at the exact same place, and had I reallised this I would have saved an hour round trip, oh well... I actually feel a bit sorry for Leonie, because I'm under the impression she had nothing to do for the entire time I was gone, although I suppose that's what you get for not responding to my messages! (And with that I've definitely offended somebody, sorry Leonie... Stop digging holes Jack)

Oh, I did buy a cool poster today, that's about it really. I think over the weekend I'm gonna try and make my room feel a bit more homely, so I might put some pictures up of that if I get the chance, watch this space.