Day 26 - Freefall, Assertiveness and a series of (un)fortunate events?

Isn't it funny, how sometimes the worst things in life can lead to the best. I was thinking about this recently, walking back in the rain from YP the other night. It was through missing my offer grades that I ended up at this university, and if it wasn't for a series of unfortunate events, I'd not have found my church here, and I certainly wouldn't have been walking back to my flat  in the rain at 10 oclock in the evening that night. Not only would I not have found my church, but I'd also not have found the CU, or any of the amazing people I have met in the past couple of weeks through hall group and Story week, and my weekend away. Aside from the grades thing, everything else I've mentioned can be traced back to one point, one event, and ultimately, one person. My friend Jordan.

A bit of context here: After results day, and when I knew where I was going, I spent a significant amount of time on social media finding and attempting to connect with different freshers groups. I ended up in a group chat for year 1 physics, and through this group chat I met Jordan, who isn't actually a year 1 physicist (but is year 0 so close enough). To cut a long story short, we arranged to meet up for a church walk hosted by the CU in an attempt to try and find churches here. Of course this happened after Ruth had already decided to visit, and so I ended up going to the church walk but not meeting Jordan that week (we actually met, and then established we were going in different directions, so yeah...). The next week they ran the event again, and once again I didn't manage to meet Jordan, but because of this I was forced to make a decision on impulse, which led me to the church I'm now settled in. Because of Jordan I met Ruth, and because of Ruth I met pretty much everybody else I know in Cardiff outside of my degree. Through what was a bad situation, I found probably the best thing about being here so far.

I was talking to a couple of the people from my church about assertiveness, and how we need to have more confidence in ourselves and our faith, because having this confidence is the only way we can ever make things happen. If we ever want our faith to mean something we need not just to think it means something, but to *know* it means something.

That can be initially quite hard to get your head around. Faith is about more than blind hope. If all we have is blind hope, then that really is all we have. It is only when we are able to say with absolute certainty that this is real that we begin to see change, because we were not made to be passive beings or to sit on the sidelines, we were called to be the light in the darkness, great warriors in the daily battles of life, and we can't be either of those things by being indecisive, shy or unconfident.

We also can't expect things to be easy.

Being a Christian means placing your absolute faith in God, and his plan for your life, and that is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Being a Christian costs, and you have to be prepared to give up everything you ever wanted, everything you ever hoped for, everyone you ever loved. It's incredibly hard, but if you are able to let go, then that is when you will truly feel alive.

I leave you today with a song: Au5 - Freefall



Shining faces lining up, everybody's filled with hope and disbelief
How could something so broken take us up beyond the reach of gravity?
Every second building up until we come back down like tears on this brave new world
this brave new world...

I know that I'm supposed to be afraid, but I'm not
I know that I will find my hand in yours when we drop
I am only alive in the freefall
I am only alive in the freefall
I am only alive...

Shining faces lining up,
Everybody's filled with hope
Everybody's filled with hope, and disbelief
(I am only alive in the freefall)
That time...
That time that we fell...
And we kept going, we kept going
(I am only alive)

I know that I'm supposed to be afraid, but I'm not
I know that I will find my hand in yours when we drop
I am only alive in the freefall
I am only alive in the freefall

I am only alive...

I am only alive in the freefall.

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OK it's been a while... I'll be honest, I gave up even trying to keep going for 40 days, I simply just don't have the motivation, or the time, to write a decent post every day. And so it is that days 9 through 25 simply ceased to exist and things move back to normal. Sorry... :c

Day 9 - Neon Rainbow

Call me crazy, but I was listening to this song the other day, "Rameses B - Neon Rainbow"
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWXWA3b5Zes) and I had the strangest experience. I was walking along, and suddenly I just felt ridiculously happy. It had been an absolutely wild day, I had had absolutely no sleep, and had spent most of the last 24 hours working solidly to try and finish assignments or lab write up that, yes, I had neglected to do (because future me has to deal with that... >_>), and I'll be honest, I didn't even manage to finish it all by the time the deadline came around, which is entirely my fault, but hey.

So you get the idea, I was incredibly stressed, and frustrated at myself and my lack of any kind of self organisation whatsoever, and thus what I'm about to say came as a bit of a shock.

Basically, I just came to an incredible realisation. Standing there listening to that song, I realised that probably for the first time ever, I was free from depending on specific people, things or circumstances to be truly happy. Despite all the bad things I might have said about Cardiff, it's my home now, and it's a place where I am the master of my own destiny. Even though I'm now in a location that a year ago I wouldn't have even known existed, in a weird way I'm more confident here than I ever was back home, because I see it as my city, and a place where I can truly be me, and that's amazing.

I leave you today with some words from the song:

"There's a place I know that always feels like home
Pixels and soundbites, warm digital sunlight
There's a place where I belong that feels just like a perfect song
There's a place where I can go, just follow the Neon Rainbow"


Thanks guys





P.S:

Sorry I've missed so many days, I've just had so much going on and everything has kinda just fallen apart. I do intend to finish the 40 day series, but it might be over more than 40 days. I don't intend to stick to my initial plan any more either (see day 7), but I do intend to go into more detail about certain things in this post at some point, it just didn't feel appropriate to include them here. By all means ask me questions though, I might answer them but I might just tell you to wait for a later blog post when I've worked out what I'm trying to say ;)

Day 8 - Questions

Oh questions, how I love you but how I also hate you sometimes...

Today was more than a little crazy, and mostly not in a good way, I woke up at 10 am, which was fairly normal, but I then fell asleep again (which is not normal). Thankfully I wasn't woken up by the fire alarm, but annoyingly, when I did wake up it was 10:40, and my bus had long since departed. I don't actually have anything timetabled for thursday morning, but I've been trying to get into a habit of going in regardless to get work done, because lets face it it's easier to work without being distracted.

I had also agreed to meet my friend at 11

(un)fortunately he also managed to not wake up, and so the meeting never actually happened, but it gave me the chance to prepare for lab, which ultimately probably wasn't necessary, the experiment took all of 1 hour (of 4)

Error propagation though? That's on a whole new level of bad. I literally spent 3 hours just trying to come up with an equation to combine errors in my measurements, and it's currently 4 AM and I still am not even close to finishing the write up for this experiment. I hate life sometimes

Edit* I gave up. It's now Saturday and that train of thought is long gone, I'm sorry. I'll catch it again at some point but right now I need to sleep...

And no, I didn't get labs done... :/

Day 6 - Ruth

OK this is a bit of a wierd one, and no, it's not what you might immediately think...

The name Ruth literally means "friend", and so it's perhaps appropriate (if a slightly strange coincidence) that probably the two most significant people helping me transition to University have been called Ruth, and have gone far far above and beyond the call to help me settle in (and seriously, you people are both amazing and I owe you guys so much, and everyone else who has helped me).

I'm not going to go too much into this, since I've already posted about it, but I thought I'd share again a passage from the book of Ruth, in the old testament (the second one I managed to read all the way through by choice)

Ruth 1:16-17:

But Ruth said, "Don't beg me to leave you or to stop following you. Where you go, I will go. Where you live, I will live. Your people will be my people and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. I ask the Lord to punish me terribly if I do not keep this promise: Not even death will separate us"

Ruth went above and beyond the call of duty to help her friend Naomi. When things got difficult she didn't run away, she stayed with her friend, it's a really moving story, even if it isn't necessarily the most well written. And in many ways it reflects how people have been with me through my life.

I'm not really sure I have too much to talk about with this, so if you want a (slightly) more detailed view on it you'll have to look at my other blog post "River City, Exams, Ruth and one heck of a slide puzzle (and not in that order)". I guess I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has been there for me, whether your name is Ruth or not. I have no idea where I'd be right now without you, and it means more than you could ever know.

You're amazing, all of you.

Day 5 - River City

Going to university for me has been a massive leap of faith, and there were plenty of things that to be honest I hadn't even considered when I decided to go down that route. Finding a church was not one of those things, but I'd be lieing if I said I'd put all that much thought into it before I got here.

It took an enormous amount of effort, and courage, to try and find somewhere to go, since I've only really gone public with my faith as of just over a year ago, and I still find myself carefully steering around the subject in conversations for fear that people will think less of me for some reason. To find other Christians and a church at university, I not only had to actively go out and find them, I also had to accept that I was going to have to broadcast the fact to everyone I met in the hope of finding people like me in the same situation (being a fresher really REALLY does not come naturally to me).

I ended up settling in the second church I visited, River City. To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure at the time if it was the right decision, but bear with me a second while I explain my reasoning:

River City is quite small, which meant that although I wasn't necessarily going to feel at home immediately, it was a place where I could realistically get to know people, and people could get to know me. While I'm not against bigger churches, I've never been good in big groups, and going to one would have meant I actively had to go out and find people within that church to make friends with, and put me in a situation where everything became overwhelming.

Despite it's small size though, River City as a church honestly has more passion than any other church I have been to, and yes, that includes things like Soul Survivor Watford and I'd even go as far as to say it probably out did some of the stuff at New Wine on the passion front. Being part of something like that is incredibly challenging, but in a good way, as it encourages you to focus on what is important rather than singing the same songs every week with the same call and response prayers which it feels like nobody actually means (sorry Peachcroft, you're all amazing people really and I don't mean to offend by saying this). River City as a church, really feels like it is "For" God, rather than just "About" him, and that kind of atmosphere is what brought me to faith in the first place, so I suppose it makes sense that it's what I would go back to (If anyone wants me to clarify what I mean by that please do send me a message or something, I'm not sure I can explain it very well here).

I've also met some absolutely amazing people there, and quite frankly the amount of support I have received from being a part of this church has been incredible, I'm honestly not sure where I'd be right now without it, and it's probably been the single most important thing helping me settle here, so I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are I feel like I should just say an absolutely massive thank you, because you really didn't need to go to any of this trouble for me, but you did anyway, and that means a lot.

I'm bad at endings, I'm sorry guys...

Day 4 - Corinthians

Sorry if this one is a bit short, I wasn't entirely sure where I was going to take it.

tl;dr: I'm a Christian, as you're probably already aware, but I'm not a particularly good one. I'm terrible at remembering to read my bible, or pray about stuff. I need help.

Luckily, I have a great friend called Anna, who has taken it upon herself to send me a text message every evening reminding me to do these things, which I'm not sure she realises how much I appreciate. (Seriously, I know you're reading this, I owe you big time). Not only does Anna remind me to read my bible, she also gives me recommendations for stuff to read in my bible, which is incredibly useful, and she listens to anything I have to say about it afterward, (which is honestly a feat in itself)

It was through Anna then that I came to read Corinthians.

Corinthians is actually two letters, 1 Corinthians and 2 Corinthians, the seventh and eighth books in the new testament, and the first ones I can say I actually managed to read all the way through, by choice. The letters are written by Paul, one of the early Christians, to a church in Corinth (hence the name), and are basically a set of instructions for how the people there should live, as well as some helpful advice for dealing with some of the difficult situations the church as a whole is facing at the time, much of which, taken in a slightly different context, can still be considered incredibly relevant today.

I don't remember the whole thing word for word, since it was over 3 months ago that I actually read it, but there was one particular verse which stuck out to me at the time, which I'm going to share here:

1 Corinthians 10:12-13:

"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure it."

I don't know what it was about that particular passage, but for whatever reason it stuck out at me, and I felt compelled to share it. 

I guess it's just the fact that generally speaking, until I left for university I had generally just been in quite a stable position, but now that I'm here things are a lot more precarious, and right when I thought I'd settled down, something came to knock me over...

Through all that though, I made an important realisation. It wasn't going to be easy, but I had a way out...

Day 3 - Sink or Swim? - The University Challenge

OK, I'll admit it, I might have stolen the title for this post from a talk at Soul Survivor last summer, but it's something I've been trying to find an excuse to talk about for a while, and this seemed a good way to introduce it, so here goes I guess:

To give some context here for those who don't already know, Soul Survivor is a sort of Christian youth camp, people from churches all over the country come and spend 5 days in a field somewhere in somerset. Probably sounds rather dull right, yeah... that's what I thought when I headed there the first time... Oh man how wrong I was... I'm just gonna leave this video link here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOJCTMDGejA

Yeah... I'm not sure exactly what I can say other than is completely blew me away, and I've honestly not been the same since.

Anyway, I was at Soul Survivor 2016 last summer, and I was looking through the programme for the week, and I came across this talk: "Sink or Swim? - The University Challenge". (It's probably worth mentioning here that I had literally had my uni place confirmed the day before) and I was intrigued. Knowing I was going to university but not really knowing a whole lot about it I had decided to go to as much studenty stuff as possible over the course of the week (because I may be slightly obsessed with information... don't judge me >_> )

The description for this talk was "University can be a challenging environment for us to thrive in with up to 70% of Christians losing their faith during their time at university. Freddie will look at how we can not only keep our heads above the water but actively swim and thrive in our faith at university." and the opening line was "Does anybody know the probability you'd survive an attack by a four metre crocodile?"

I'm gonna guess 30%

Turns out I was right, who'd have thought...

That statistic is really very scary. As a Christian you have as much chance of having your faith survive university as you do of surviving an attack by a four metre crocodile, that's crazy. The problem is that when you look at the facts, it's easy to see why.

When you first go to university, you have an opportunity that is incredibly exciting. You're (usually) in a completely different location, and nobody knows who you are or anybody else is. All the connections you've made suddenly are stripped away and in a very short space of time you're forced to define yourself to make new ones. For the first time in your life, nobody expects anything of you, which means that overnight you can become a completely different person, and in that situation, you have a choice to make: Do you do the difficult thing and try and find a new church in an area you've only just moved to, with people you've never met, or do you go along with the crowd and bury that part of yourself for fear of it making people think less of you?

It's a sad truth that the vast majority of people in that situation would choose the latter, and it's honestly understandable. If Ruth and Adam hadn't come down to visit me during freshers week I probably would have done the same, because it's honestly just easier, but I didn't stand up in front of 9,000 people at Soul Survivor 2015 because I thought being a Christian was going to be easy, I did it because I didn't want to be able to hide it, and it was a combination of that and some amazing people checking up on me from home that inspired me to keep looking, no matter how difficult things seemed at the time. They kept my head above the water.

You don't realise just what it means to be able to completely recreate yourself until you actually live it, it's an amazing opportunity, but it still requires effort. Things won't come naturally, you have to put yourself out there and actually work to see change, and that's incredibly difficult, but 110% worth it.

Until later then...

(You can find the whole talk here, the guy explains it far better than I can if you have time to listen: 
http://soulsurvivor.com/talks/16c011-sink-swim-university-challenge/ )

Day 2 - Dear Younger Me

I've made mistakes in my life, who hasn't...? If there's one thing you can guarantee it's that at some point, we're all going to do something we regret, or in many cases not do something, and then think back on it and be like: "I wish I'd done that" or "what if I'd done this differently"

I came across a song a while ago now, which as soon as I heard it resonated with me

----- Dear Younger Me - MercyMe -----

Dear younger me, where do I start?

If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far then you could be

One step ahead of all the painful memories still running through my head

I wonder how much different things would be...

Dear younger me...

Dear younger me, I cannot decide,

Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life or do I go deep and try to change 

The choices that you'll make 'cause they're the choices that made me

And even though I love this crazy life

Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride

Dear younger me

Dear younger me...

Oh if I knew them what I know now, condemnation would've had no power

My joy, my pain would've never been my worth

If I knew then what I know now, would've not been hard to figure out

What I would've changed if I had heard

Dear younger me, it's not your fault

You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross

Dear younger me

You are holy, you are righteous, you are one of the redeemed

Set apart, a brand new heart, oh you are free indeed

In every mountain, every valley, through each heartache you will see

Every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be

Dear younger me

Dear younger me...

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Official lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l70C3ePyIQ

Over the past 6 months, I've been constantly plagued by "What if's." "What if I had thought more about my future before committing to university?", "What if I chose the wrong subject?" "What if I had chosen a different subject?" "What if I had been more open about my feelings 4 years ago?" The list is endless. They dragged me down, and held me there, while I was battered by what if after what if. I honestly lost count of the number of things that were brought up during this time that made me wish I could have gone back and changed them. It's been really really rough. Don't get me wrong, I love university and all the crazyness of it. Living here is great but I didn't always think that. It took a significant part of my first semester to even begin to settle down, and I still don't feel entirely comfortable with my situation, but it's the last part of this song that really helped:

"In every mountain, every valley, through each heartache you will see every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be. Dear younger me..."

Even now, the what if's still come to try and get me, the difference is, I stopped listening to them. It doesn't matter if times are good, or times are bad. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes we just need to be, and accept that whatever you've done, whatever you're going through, things will get better, all it takes is for you to keep going, and that's exactly what I must do now...

Day 1 - Opening up

I'll be honest, when I was thinking about doing this 40 day plan, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write at first. I made a google document with a whole bunch of topics, and just put them in an order I thought made the most sense, so this is me apologising right now for the mess that this is likely to become.

(Yes, I went back to the unlock patterns, I might explain the significance later)

Today has been quite eventful. Despite not a whole lot actually having happened, what has happened has been very positive. 

Today we had personal tutorials, which are basically like normal tutorials, but on a one to one. The idea being that it's a chance for people to voice concerns that they might have that are either personal, or just irrelevant to everyone else. This proved to be quite useful, as it meant I was able to get clarification on many things which otherwise I might not have been able to, in particular some stuff regarding labs and other things. Nothing bad, just interesting observations.

One of the things I've found difficult about university so far is the fact that while people are there, and generally able and willing to help you, you need to actually go and talk to them, and admit you're struggling. This has never been something that has come naturally to me, since I tend to prefer doing my own thing and just doing what I can with what I have.

Admitting you need help can be really difficult, but it's the first step on the road to success in life, and chances are if you don't use what is there then you'll never really get anywhere. Despite how you might feel, it's important to realise that people genuinely do care about you, whether that's how you are as a person, or just academically. You might be surprised with the extent people often go to to help you.

I'll leave today with a quote: "Doing a degree is basically about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable" - My tutor

(Not the most helpful advice there eh, but so far true in my experience)

Anyway, it's 3:30 AM, I've delayed writing this post far too long and I need to sleep, so I suppose I'll see you tomorrow - Good Night!