Well... not quite, technically it's after midnight, so I messed that one up, oh well (never mind it got to 3 am and I wasn't finished so I gave up and finished it later on on the 6th (well the 7th, since it was past midnight, again...) but this is written as if it were the 5th, so please treat it as such for my sake and yours...)
I've not done much today, I woke up at 1 in the afternoon and kinda sat in my room for a while, eating chocolate digestives. At some point (far too soon) it got dark, and I was left wondering where my day had gone. At about 7 oclock I realised I was kinda hungry, and because I'd run out of potato waffles I decided I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I ordered pizza, and really I've spent the entire day in my room.
As most of you are no doubt aware though, it's bonfire night. I'm not usually one to go out and watch fireworks, but tonight I guess you can say I made half an exception. One of the very few positives about living in University Hall is the fact that because its at the top of a hill you get amazing views of the city. On this particular night this meant that from my bedroom I was able to watch every firework display in Cardiff! All at once! This made for quite a spectacular evening in, even with the tree in the way. I had pizza, I had time to myself and I had whatever firework display I wanted to watch, all without having to leave my room! What more could I ask for? (aside from friends, a life, and the removal of THAT STUPID TREE... I'm rambling now ignore me...)
Unsurprisingly though, at least for anyone who knows me, this got me thinking. The thing at which my thoughts were directed? Fireworks, but specifically Katy Perry's song - Firework. (Go on judge me I'm past caring at this point..)
This song has a lot of memories associated with it, I'm not exactly sure why in some cases, but I guess it came from a time in my life when a lot of significant things happened, so it kinda got stuck in my head. If I were making a list of songs which held meaning to me beyond the song itself, this would definitely be up there at the top, only trailing behind Take That's "Shine" and possibly Lindsey Stirling's "Beyond the veil" (and if you don't know either of those songs, you really REALLY should go listen to them).
"Firework" was released in mid 2010, which on a timeline puts it somewhere near the end of my year 7 or the begining of year 8, and while at the time I appreciated the song for its melody and uplifting lyrics, it wasn't until year 9 that the song would come to have a special sort of significance. 2012 was a year I'm never likely to forget. If it wasn't the most eventful year of my life so far then it was certainly the most impactful. Even ignoring the olympics (which I didn't go to see but did still enjoy watching on TV). The events of 2012 were without question the most significant events in my life, but the thing that connects this song to that year in my mind was not one of these significant events, far from it. This song is connected to 2012 by the uniform project.
OK. I realise at this point I probably need a bit of background. Essentially what happened is that my school decided: "Hey, we don't like our logo or our uniform, it looks too boring and dark, so how about we get our kids to design new ones?"
You can probably imagine how this went... The school brought in professional designers to "help" us, who then basically decided that all our ideas were terrible and would never work, so ignored us and designed a new uniform without any of our input, while claiming we'd done all the work. Unsurprisingly then, we were left with six potential designs what were equally as dull and boring as what we'd started with, but with jumpers that were itchy and had a new logo on. Of course the school then decided to put these designs to a vote, but before they could do that, they needed a physical version of each design to be modelled by students at a reveal event. Committed as I was to the cause, and because I was fed up of being useless, I volunteered to do it...
Of course, what do they do? they set up a fasion show and make me go out first... Anyone who knows me knows I couldn't care less about fasion, and I'm completely clueless when it comes to fasion shows, so I was perhaps understandably nervous when not only did I have to go out first, I also had to wear the burgundy blazer, by far the worst of the six options. Anyway, the song they brought us out to? Katy Perry's Firework. One by one we emerged from behind the curtain, walked to the front of the stage then turned around and walked back again to stand at the back. When the music stopped all six of us were left standing there awkwardly while the designers answered questions about things they clearly didn't understand and hadn't bothered to research beforehand, such as "is it machine washable?" The lack of preparation on their part was quite frankly embarressing, for us and for them, and the outcome of the uniform project was an embaressment to the school. We went from "black jumper" to "smaller black jumper with new logo that is itchy" at which point they stopped saying "look at us we're great we involve students in our new uniform" and just quietly moved on and pretended nothing had happened.
I suppose that's the reason that song is cemented in my memory... Nevertheless though, despite all the bad associations with the uniform project, it brings me back to one of my lifes high points, (and there aren't many of those) so for that reason I suspect it will always have a special place in my heart.
The other reason this song holds meaning for me is the lyrics, which resonated with me, both then and now. If you already know the song then feel free to skip this part, it's likely going to massively increase the length of this post without really adding a whole lot, but here they are:
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards one blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no-one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you,
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
You don't have to feel like a waste of space, you're original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time you'll know
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah
Boom Boom Boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon
It;s always been inside of you you you, and now it's time to let it through
You've just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July,
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colours burst
Make em go ah ah ah, you're gonna leave them going ah ah ah...
Fireworks are, by definition, big, bright, loud and obvious. They light up the night sky around them before fading into nothingness, leaving us wondering just what happened. They're amazing to watch, but at the same time their immense power is terrifying, if handled the wrong way, these fireworks can cause massive damage to anything around them, either by blowing up in our faces or from resulting debris.
In a way, people are a bit like fireworks, although it is a sad sad truth that many of them will never realise this. We all have the potential to be something so much more than we actually are, but if we can never find a spark to ignite this potential, we will sit around for our whole lives as nothing more than components, a fraction of what we could have been.
I worry, particularly recently, that I'm losing my spark. Going to university was supposed to, in some ways, be a big red reset button for my life, letting me leave behind everything bad that was troubling me and allowing me to focus on becoming my own person, the one that God wants me to be. In reality though, I spend just as much time alone isolated from the world in my room now as I did before, if not more, and I can't imagine that's the reason I've been sent here, it just doesn't make sense. I came here to recreate myself, but instead I'm becoming more of the thing I hated, the thing I tried to leave behind, a lonely, socially awkward hermit.
Maybe that's all there is, but I don't believe for one second that my entire life is supposed to be like that. Trouble is, just because I know there is more doesn't make it any easier to deal with it right now. It feels a bit like I've tried to plant my roots but they just haven't taken and now the entire plant is suffering. The spark I had is getting dimmer as slowly but surely I am losing access to the fuel that feeds it.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose what I'm asking for is support. While I'm a lot more settled now than I was before, it's beginning to feel like I'm never going to "belong" here. It's a bit hard to explain, but I guess in some ways it still just kinda feels like I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people, but it still doesn't really feel like I've made any meaningful connections with anybody. Yes, there are people I get along with, and people I'd say I'm friends with. Alan, Paradeisa and the people from my flat, but it still feels like I don't really KNOW anybody, and that makes it really difficult to feel truly at home here.
I realise this is probably a bit of a big ask, but if there's anyone I know personally who is reading this who is even vaguely considering a trip down to Cardiff, then I'd love to see you, at this point I kinda just want to see a familiar face, someone I can talk to and go wandering around the city with (and don't take this personally, but I'm not really talking about direct family here, though obviously you'd be just as welcome, it's just that I see you anyway!). Heck, if you wanted to stay for a weekend that could probably be arranged, though I'd have to clear my room first, and there certainly isn't room for more than one person!
Aside from that, any thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated, it's a bit of a weird situation I find myself in, and I figure if anyone can help then God can. I mean, he's the reason I'm here in the first place...
Thank you to everyone back home, and those who aren't back home but know me well enough to be thinking of me, it means a lot even just that you care enough about me to read this far in my blog, which is honestly a massive achievement, since half the time I can't stand reading my own writing (though it's not as bad as listening to my own voice). I have no idea when my next post is going to be, but they are probably going to be less frequent from here on out, so for that I can only apologise, but I can't always find inspiration for stuff to write about. If something does appear I'll probably take some time to put it in a blog post, but I can't force inspiration. so I guess we'll just see how it goes. I hope everything is OK for you reading this, and that you are able to find your spark, no matter how hidden it may be, it's there.
May whatever happens lead us to where we're meant to be...
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