Belonging

This is one of my favourite pictures of Cardiff so far, taken from just by the students union it may not be obvious exactly why at first, but if you look closely, in the background you can just about see the tower building of University hall. I like it because it really puts things into perspective, what you see in between where I am and that tower building is literally my life. Where I am, where I wake up, where I sleep, where I eat, where I go to buy food, where I walk up the hill I'm forever complaining about. Everything in my life can be fitted into this one picture, and that's crazy. What you see here is my home, and yet, I still don't really feel like I belong here...

It got me thinking though, what is it really that makes us actually belong... anywhere?

Belonging is a weird concept, usually, and often wrongly, used synonymous with acceptance. It's really easy to think that to belong means that you fit in, and while this is often true and certainly can help it is by no means the only way for somebody to belong somewhere.

To me I guess, belonging is about finding somewhere you can connect with, but in particular people you can connect with, and for me Cardiff is not really that place. Not yet at least...

Don't get me wrong, I've met some amazing people here, and I've got some good friends. I'm even beginning to like the city a bit more now! But to be honest nothing has really happened. I don't go places because the people I've met either don't go or are busy all the time with other things, so I've spent most of my time stuck in my hall on my computer and as a result not really gotten to know anybody else outside of my flat (Alan and Paradeisa being the two main exceptions). I'm therefore effectively stuck in a strange city, alone with nobody to turn to. I'm not sure I'd call it being homesick - there are definitely things about home I miss, but (and don't take this the wrong way) on balance they're outweighed by things I don't miss - I needed to leave. It just kinda feels empty, like I've left a void open inside me I can't ever hope to fill...

Surely then, the solution is to go back home...? Well... here's where it gets complicated.

Going home isn't going to solve any of my problems. I've been home twice since I came here. Once on my second week because of a really bad case of fresher's flu, and once after EPMF 2016, because I thought it would be a good opportunity to go and see people, and get some proper food and sleep (good decision). Both those times though, I came to the same conclusion. I simply don't belong there any more.

Why? Well the main reason for this, I guess is that despite it still being the place I call home, there is really nothing left there for me. It feels like all my close friends have left, and going home loses all meaning if you don't have people to go home to. I've still got friends back home, (Hi Taz and members of Extreme! Please don't take this the wrong way) but these are people I don't see all that often, and usually only when around others, and the phrase "I feel loneliest in a crowd of people" pretty much sums that up. I'm an introvert, number of friends doesn't matter to me, closeness of friends is everything (and no offence meant to anybody now here from this, you're still definitely friends). Connections like this take years to build, and I've only really been in Cardiff on a timescale of weeks, so I suppose it's hardly surprising that things feel really difficult at the moment, but I guess I just have to deal with it.

So if I don't belong at home, and I don't belong here, then where do I belong...? To be honest, I really have no idea. Maybe I'm just destined to float away like a helium baloon that hasn't been tied down, or maybe I'll be blown around for a bit before finding somewhere to take root, but who knows. I think coming here was definitely still the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier...

I guess I'll end this post for today with a song, which I first heard 8 years ago now, but only recently understood the meaning of: 

Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park

When this began, I had nothing to say, and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.

I was confused and I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind.

Inside of me, but all the vacancy, the words revealed, is the only real thing that I've got left to feel.

Nothing to lose. Just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own.

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong...

And I've got nothing to say, I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face.

I was confused, looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

So what am I, what do I have but negativity, 'cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me

Nothing to lose, nothing to gain, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything till I break away from me

And I will break away, I'll find myself today...

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real.

I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.

I want to find something I wanted all along... Somewhere I belong