Anyway, onto the main post...:
So Christmas came, and as of me posting this Christmas has gone again. It's been an interesting one, because I'm not convinced it actually happened. Don't get me wrong here, it was very much Christmas, and all the typical Christmas things happened. Exchanging of presents, festive food, family, the annual puppet Christmas performance, but for whatever reason, despite all this, I was left feeling like it was just another day.
Usually at Christmas time you get a sense that it's something special, which of course it is, a great build up of nearly a month, ending with a holiday for all and a great big celebration. Even if you're reading this as a non Christian who couldn't quite frankly care less about the reason why we celebrate it and just uses it as an excuse to get presents and spend time with family it'd be hard to argue that it wasn't.
So why then do I feel like this?
Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe the weather is far too warm for it to be winter or maybe it's because I've just been so busy. Maybe I'll never know for sure, but if I had to guess I'd have said the explanation was far simpler, and arguably sadder.
In some ways, Christmas this year for me has been very much like the puppet performance we did on the morning of Christmas day. We spent 8 hours rehearsing something, which really wasn't long enough to get it sorted, and then basically hoped that we'd manage to make it work on the day. When we left it I was in a massive panic, because what we had was nowhere near the standard people expect from us. The comment I made leaving that last rehearsal? "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
In the end things ended up working out, except for the baby that missed the manger, but at least that got a laugh (It wasn't a real baby). Somehow out of the chaos we managed to find some semblance of order, and ride on the wave just long enough to never have to touch that routine again. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm glad that's over...
As for Christmas day, I feel much the same way: "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
I think the reason this is that, possibly for the first time ever, I've spent Christmas largely alone. By this I don't mean there was nobody around, or I didn't speak to anybody, because like I already said I've been very busy. What I mean is more that I've spent most of the day in my bedroom in a state of "what do I do." and I'm not really sure how I can explain that. I don't know how I feel about being home, it's nice seeing people, but it just feels like there isn't anything here for me any more... When I went to Cardiff I wanted to come home, now I can't wait to leave again. I'm stuck in a loop of not really belonging anywhere, either home or Cardiff, but with the strong sensation that I belong somewhere, I just don't know where yet...
So why then do I feel like this?
Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe the weather is far too warm for it to be winter or maybe it's because I've just been so busy. Maybe I'll never know for sure, but if I had to guess I'd have said the explanation was far simpler, and arguably sadder.
In some ways, Christmas this year for me has been very much like the puppet performance we did on the morning of Christmas day. We spent 8 hours rehearsing something, which really wasn't long enough to get it sorted, and then basically hoped that we'd manage to make it work on the day. When we left it I was in a massive panic, because what we had was nowhere near the standard people expect from us. The comment I made leaving that last rehearsal? "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
In the end things ended up working out, except for the baby that missed the manger, but at least that got a laugh (It wasn't a real baby). Somehow out of the chaos we managed to find some semblance of order, and ride on the wave just long enough to never have to touch that routine again. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm glad that's over...
As for Christmas day, I feel much the same way: "It's not bad, it's just not good..."
I think the reason this is that, possibly for the first time ever, I've spent Christmas largely alone. By this I don't mean there was nobody around, or I didn't speak to anybody, because like I already said I've been very busy. What I mean is more that I've spent most of the day in my bedroom in a state of "what do I do." and I'm not really sure how I can explain that. I don't know how I feel about being home, it's nice seeing people, but it just feels like there isn't anything here for me any more... When I went to Cardiff I wanted to come home, now I can't wait to leave again. I'm stuck in a loop of not really belonging anywhere, either home or Cardiff, but with the strong sensation that I belong somewhere, I just don't know where yet...
No comments:
Post a Comment