Day 5 - River City

Going to university for me has been a massive leap of faith, and there were plenty of things that to be honest I hadn't even considered when I decided to go down that route. Finding a church was not one of those things, but I'd be lieing if I said I'd put all that much thought into it before I got here.

It took an enormous amount of effort, and courage, to try and find somewhere to go, since I've only really gone public with my faith as of just over a year ago, and I still find myself carefully steering around the subject in conversations for fear that people will think less of me for some reason. To find other Christians and a church at university, I not only had to actively go out and find them, I also had to accept that I was going to have to broadcast the fact to everyone I met in the hope of finding people like me in the same situation (being a fresher really REALLY does not come naturally to me).

I ended up settling in the second church I visited, River City. To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure at the time if it was the right decision, but bear with me a second while I explain my reasoning:

River City is quite small, which meant that although I wasn't necessarily going to feel at home immediately, it was a place where I could realistically get to know people, and people could get to know me. While I'm not against bigger churches, I've never been good in big groups, and going to one would have meant I actively had to go out and find people within that church to make friends with, and put me in a situation where everything became overwhelming.

Despite it's small size though, River City as a church honestly has more passion than any other church I have been to, and yes, that includes things like Soul Survivor Watford and I'd even go as far as to say it probably out did some of the stuff at New Wine on the passion front. Being part of something like that is incredibly challenging, but in a good way, as it encourages you to focus on what is important rather than singing the same songs every week with the same call and response prayers which it feels like nobody actually means (sorry Peachcroft, you're all amazing people really and I don't mean to offend by saying this). River City as a church, really feels like it is "For" God, rather than just "About" him, and that kind of atmosphere is what brought me to faith in the first place, so I suppose it makes sense that it's what I would go back to (If anyone wants me to clarify what I mean by that please do send me a message or something, I'm not sure I can explain it very well here).

I've also met some absolutely amazing people there, and quite frankly the amount of support I have received from being a part of this church has been incredible, I'm honestly not sure where I'd be right now without it, and it's probably been the single most important thing helping me settle here, so I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are I feel like I should just say an absolutely massive thank you, because you really didn't need to go to any of this trouble for me, but you did anyway, and that means a lot.

I'm bad at endings, I'm sorry guys...

Day 4 - Corinthians

Sorry if this one is a bit short, I wasn't entirely sure where I was going to take it.

tl;dr: I'm a Christian, as you're probably already aware, but I'm not a particularly good one. I'm terrible at remembering to read my bible, or pray about stuff. I need help.

Luckily, I have a great friend called Anna, who has taken it upon herself to send me a text message every evening reminding me to do these things, which I'm not sure she realises how much I appreciate. (Seriously, I know you're reading this, I owe you big time). Not only does Anna remind me to read my bible, she also gives me recommendations for stuff to read in my bible, which is incredibly useful, and she listens to anything I have to say about it afterward, (which is honestly a feat in itself)

It was through Anna then that I came to read Corinthians.

Corinthians is actually two letters, 1 Corinthians and 2 Corinthians, the seventh and eighth books in the new testament, and the first ones I can say I actually managed to read all the way through, by choice. The letters are written by Paul, one of the early Christians, to a church in Corinth (hence the name), and are basically a set of instructions for how the people there should live, as well as some helpful advice for dealing with some of the difficult situations the church as a whole is facing at the time, much of which, taken in a slightly different context, can still be considered incredibly relevant today.

I don't remember the whole thing word for word, since it was over 3 months ago that I actually read it, but there was one particular verse which stuck out to me at the time, which I'm going to share here:

1 Corinthians 10:12-13:

"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure it."

I don't know what it was about that particular passage, but for whatever reason it stuck out at me, and I felt compelled to share it. 

I guess it's just the fact that generally speaking, until I left for university I had generally just been in quite a stable position, but now that I'm here things are a lot more precarious, and right when I thought I'd settled down, something came to knock me over...

Through all that though, I made an important realisation. It wasn't going to be easy, but I had a way out...

Day 3 - Sink or Swim? - The University Challenge

OK, I'll admit it, I might have stolen the title for this post from a talk at Soul Survivor last summer, but it's something I've been trying to find an excuse to talk about for a while, and this seemed a good way to introduce it, so here goes I guess:

To give some context here for those who don't already know, Soul Survivor is a sort of Christian youth camp, people from churches all over the country come and spend 5 days in a field somewhere in somerset. Probably sounds rather dull right, yeah... that's what I thought when I headed there the first time... Oh man how wrong I was... I'm just gonna leave this video link here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOJCTMDGejA

Yeah... I'm not sure exactly what I can say other than is completely blew me away, and I've honestly not been the same since.

Anyway, I was at Soul Survivor 2016 last summer, and I was looking through the programme for the week, and I came across this talk: "Sink or Swim? - The University Challenge". (It's probably worth mentioning here that I had literally had my uni place confirmed the day before) and I was intrigued. Knowing I was going to university but not really knowing a whole lot about it I had decided to go to as much studenty stuff as possible over the course of the week (because I may be slightly obsessed with information... don't judge me >_> )

The description for this talk was "University can be a challenging environment for us to thrive in with up to 70% of Christians losing their faith during their time at university. Freddie will look at how we can not only keep our heads above the water but actively swim and thrive in our faith at university." and the opening line was "Does anybody know the probability you'd survive an attack by a four metre crocodile?"

I'm gonna guess 30%

Turns out I was right, who'd have thought...

That statistic is really very scary. As a Christian you have as much chance of having your faith survive university as you do of surviving an attack by a four metre crocodile, that's crazy. The problem is that when you look at the facts, it's easy to see why.

When you first go to university, you have an opportunity that is incredibly exciting. You're (usually) in a completely different location, and nobody knows who you are or anybody else is. All the connections you've made suddenly are stripped away and in a very short space of time you're forced to define yourself to make new ones. For the first time in your life, nobody expects anything of you, which means that overnight you can become a completely different person, and in that situation, you have a choice to make: Do you do the difficult thing and try and find a new church in an area you've only just moved to, with people you've never met, or do you go along with the crowd and bury that part of yourself for fear of it making people think less of you?

It's a sad truth that the vast majority of people in that situation would choose the latter, and it's honestly understandable. If Ruth and Adam hadn't come down to visit me during freshers week I probably would have done the same, because it's honestly just easier, but I didn't stand up in front of 9,000 people at Soul Survivor 2015 because I thought being a Christian was going to be easy, I did it because I didn't want to be able to hide it, and it was a combination of that and some amazing people checking up on me from home that inspired me to keep looking, no matter how difficult things seemed at the time. They kept my head above the water.

You don't realise just what it means to be able to completely recreate yourself until you actually live it, it's an amazing opportunity, but it still requires effort. Things won't come naturally, you have to put yourself out there and actually work to see change, and that's incredibly difficult, but 110% worth it.

Until later then...

(You can find the whole talk here, the guy explains it far better than I can if you have time to listen: 
http://soulsurvivor.com/talks/16c011-sink-swim-university-challenge/ )

Day 2 - Dear Younger Me

I've made mistakes in my life, who hasn't...? If there's one thing you can guarantee it's that at some point, we're all going to do something we regret, or in many cases not do something, and then think back on it and be like: "I wish I'd done that" or "what if I'd done this differently"

I came across a song a while ago now, which as soon as I heard it resonated with me

----- Dear Younger Me - MercyMe -----

Dear younger me, where do I start?

If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far then you could be

One step ahead of all the painful memories still running through my head

I wonder how much different things would be...

Dear younger me...

Dear younger me, I cannot decide,

Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life or do I go deep and try to change 

The choices that you'll make 'cause they're the choices that made me

And even though I love this crazy life

Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride

Dear younger me

Dear younger me...

Oh if I knew them what I know now, condemnation would've had no power

My joy, my pain would've never been my worth

If I knew then what I know now, would've not been hard to figure out

What I would've changed if I had heard

Dear younger me, it's not your fault

You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross

Dear younger me

You are holy, you are righteous, you are one of the redeemed

Set apart, a brand new heart, oh you are free indeed

In every mountain, every valley, through each heartache you will see

Every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be

Dear younger me

Dear younger me...

---------------------------------------------------

Official lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l70C3ePyIQ

Over the past 6 months, I've been constantly plagued by "What if's." "What if I had thought more about my future before committing to university?", "What if I chose the wrong subject?" "What if I had chosen a different subject?" "What if I had been more open about my feelings 4 years ago?" The list is endless. They dragged me down, and held me there, while I was battered by what if after what if. I honestly lost count of the number of things that were brought up during this time that made me wish I could have gone back and changed them. It's been really really rough. Don't get me wrong, I love university and all the crazyness of it. Living here is great but I didn't always think that. It took a significant part of my first semester to even begin to settle down, and I still don't feel entirely comfortable with my situation, but it's the last part of this song that really helped:

"In every mountain, every valley, through each heartache you will see every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be. Dear younger me..."

Even now, the what if's still come to try and get me, the difference is, I stopped listening to them. It doesn't matter if times are good, or times are bad. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes we just need to be, and accept that whatever you've done, whatever you're going through, things will get better, all it takes is for you to keep going, and that's exactly what I must do now...

Day 1 - Opening up

I'll be honest, when I was thinking about doing this 40 day plan, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write at first. I made a google document with a whole bunch of topics, and just put them in an order I thought made the most sense, so this is me apologising right now for the mess that this is likely to become.

(Yes, I went back to the unlock patterns, I might explain the significance later)

Today has been quite eventful. Despite not a whole lot actually having happened, what has happened has been very positive. 

Today we had personal tutorials, which are basically like normal tutorials, but on a one to one. The idea being that it's a chance for people to voice concerns that they might have that are either personal, or just irrelevant to everyone else. This proved to be quite useful, as it meant I was able to get clarification on many things which otherwise I might not have been able to, in particular some stuff regarding labs and other things. Nothing bad, just interesting observations.

One of the things I've found difficult about university so far is the fact that while people are there, and generally able and willing to help you, you need to actually go and talk to them, and admit you're struggling. This has never been something that has come naturally to me, since I tend to prefer doing my own thing and just doing what I can with what I have.

Admitting you need help can be really difficult, but it's the first step on the road to success in life, and chances are if you don't use what is there then you'll never really get anywhere. Despite how you might feel, it's important to realise that people genuinely do care about you, whether that's how you are as a person, or just academically. You might be surprised with the extent people often go to to help you.

I'll leave today with a quote: "Doing a degree is basically about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable" - My tutor

(Not the most helpful advice there eh, but so far true in my experience)

Anyway, it's 3:30 AM, I've delayed writing this post far too long and I need to sleep, so I suppose I'll see you tomorrow - Good Night!

Winterland

I'm home!

Well, I guess...

I basically came home yesterday, got into bed and slept...

Today I woke up in a winterland

It's been an interesting one, though sadly none of the snow has actually settled, but being outside when snow is falling really makes you appreciate the little things in life. If we're honest, we don't often even really consider snow all that much - it just isn't something we have to deal with very often - and sometimes even when it does settle, we just see it as an excuse to get extra time off, while infrastructure struggles to keep up.

I invite you to just drop anything it is you're doing right now and just think, for a minute, about the little things in life. If it's snowing outside where you are, then just go outside for a minute, find somewhere open, and take it in. If it isn't snowing, then find a clear night, and just find a place to lay down and look up at the sky. 

It's all too easy to get bogged down in everything life throws at you. Things build up and up and up until eventually it seems impossible to deal with everything. When one task is completed, three more take its place. No matter how much we do, there will always be more we need to do.

But what if we take a step back, a moment to ignore everything weighing us down. What if, instead of trying to throw everything we have at something that won't ever change, we choose to deviate from that path, to diverge from everything that is normal and do something so unorthadox most people would consider it insane?

What if, instead of living life as we are, we choose to live in the moment?

Being outside today, in the snowfall, I was struck by just how beautiful it was. A place I had been hundreds of times before suddenly seemed to have a completely different atmosphere. No longer was it just "some place tourists go for some reason." I began to really appreciate it for what it was. For the first time, I really saw it.

Living in the moment won't make your problems go away, but it makes the mountains we all face into more of a mole hill. When you take the time out, and really see life for what it is in this way, it makes everything else feel insignificant. When you live in the moment, it becomes more than just survival, because we are finally able to appreciate what it means to exist. Living in the moment is living alive!

I'm gonna end this post with a short poem I wrote a couple years back, so here it is I guess...

Woke up in a winterland, snow everywhere I see,
It feels so wierd saying this but finally I feel free.
With all this stuff around me then I can go and make,
Whatever my heart desires, albeit only fake.

No normal day, outside I see,
The snow, I think: I've found the key!
This strange white substance lets me be,
Master of my own destiny.

But when the rain clouds fade away,
And when the sun comes out to play,
Then this white snow will melt away,
And leave just memories of this day...

Insiders!

OK, I've put this off long enough, it's about time you guys all found out what it is I've been hiding from you the past week and a bit. On January 20th 2017 I recieved an email from Chris North, admissions tutor and organiser of outreach things. The subject? Undergraduate Insiders.

You might be wondering at this point: "what the heck is one of those"
Essentially, an undergraduate insider is a student at Cardiff University who blogs about their life, to give people an idea of what being here is really like. Unlike what you might find in a prospectus, insiders are in no way obligated to paint everything in a rosy hue to draw you in, the idea is more to be informative to new and current students, by talking about the ups, and the downs, of uni life.

You can probably guess where this is going...

Due to  the natural progression of life, most of the previous insiders had either left or simply decided not to continue with it. This meant they were looking for new members of the team.

It was sort of one of those things where you just say "Screw it, I'm not sure I'm good enough, but I do this anyway, so I might as well go for it right?" so I sent off an application, complete with a link to a post on this blog "Induction"

I have no idea how this happened, but I guess they must have liked it, because a few days later I got an email saying I'd been accepted. Talk about unexpected! As of January 27th 2017 I am now an official Cardiff University Undergraduate insider. I have a new blog on the official Cardiff University website: http://insiderblogs.cardiff.ac.uk/ and you are more than welcome to follow this one as well ;)

I should stress that this absolutely does not mean the end of "The Entity" my goal is to have my new insider blog be much more practical, dealing more with the real life aspect of settling in, assignments and the ups and downs of life in general. The Entity will remain exactly as it always has been, and in fact the only thing you really need to worry about now that I have two blogs is that I'm going to be putting out twice as much content and you won't have time to read it all!

Welcome to my world...